Taking Responsibility for Your Action

Communication in Your Relationship

2011-09-24T12:20:00.002-04:00

Communication is key to success in all relationships. From romantic relationships to professional relationships to parent-child relationships, it is important individuals learn to and are able to effectively communicate with each other.

Why is communication important? Good communication can and will increase the satisfaction of your life just as bad communication can and will reduce it. How so?

Well, we all have something to say and we all wish to relate our needs, desires, thoughts, and emotions to our romantic partners, co-workers, children, friends, and loved ones. Sharing our thoughts allows us to express our feelings, it relieves stress, and it is important for building a bond and strengthening the relationship. More importantly, if you communicate well you’re more likely to be well-liked and respected.

Communication is always important, but particularly important during time of conflicts and stress. It will prevent (or minimize) misunderstandings which can lead to unnecessary arguments. These are the times when our personal feelings and biases come into play and what we say is often reflected in our feelings, insecurities, and limiting beliefs. If you practice good communication skills, however, it will help you resolve conflicts at a faster rate.

Tips to Enhance Your Communication and Your Relationships

Listen: Listen to what you are being told. A person’s words are a good give away of what they want from you. Try not to add your own interpretation of their words. Repeat what they say in different words and see if your partner agrees with you.

Attention: When someone is trying to communicate with you, place your full attention on that person. Sometimes it’s tempting to split your attention between your partner and the television/ work/ other activity. It can even be tempting to just tune your partner out. This is hurtful and can cause your partner to feel insignificant to you.

Body language: A picture tells 1000 words. So does your body language. What is your body language saying? Through your body language you can convey annoyance, boredom, love, disinterest, etc. It is best when body language matches what you are trying to say.

Be direct & concise: Often times we speak in code (especially women) and just want our loved one to guess what we want. Sometimes we say one thing hoping s/he will know we mean another thing. Of course this leads to confusion, fights, frustration, and disappointment. Be honest and direct (get to the point) when communicating.

Think ahead: Most of us (if not all of us) can recall saying something only to regret it as its coming out of our mouths. Words can be wounding. When communicating with your partner stay in the present moment and think about how your words will affect your partner and impact your relationship. Remember, once you say it you can’t take it back.

Need to be right: While it’s great to be right, we are seldom right ALL the time. Many times your discussion has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with understanding where each of you is coming from. If there is a right or wrong, it’s important both parties accept responsibility for their own mistakes. Do not make your argument about whose mistake is bigger, or different, or stupider, or worse. Concentrate on solving the issue at hand and not on who is more right.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Adolescence & socialization: How can I guide my teen to make the ‘right’ kind of friends?

2010-11-29T19:19:00.002-05:00

Do you find your teen has a hard time finding new friends? More importantly, do you think your teen has settled in with the first friends that came along despite the friends’ questionable quality?

Making new friends can be quite nerve-racking for a teen, especially if s/he has low self-esteem and confidence levels. Finding friends with similar values can be even more challenging.

Teens are in the process of figuring out who they are. Fear of judgement is at its highest and confusion about how the world works is a factor too. This is the time for you, the parent, to step in and instil your values on your kids. The question is how do you encourage your teen to find friends who will positively influence him or her?

Parents play an important role in their children’s lives. High expectations for your children are not enough. You need to teach and steer your kids on HOW to pick the ‘right friends.’

Before you read on, think for a minute: If you went to your teen’s room to speak to him or her about making the ‘right’ kind of friends how would you go about this conversation?

Take a moment and think about it...

When guiding you teen, it is not enough to say this is how it is and that’s it. It is not enough to expect him or her to follow adult reasoning because s/he will not (adult reasoning is not always clear to adults either). Instead, sit down with your child and guide him or her through the process of finding the ‘right’ friends.

Tips to help your teen make the ‘right’ friends:

1. Sign your teen up for 1 or 2 extracurricular activities. It can be a sports team, an art class, or dance class. Pick something s/he would enjoy or ask your teen to pick the class s/he would like to participate in. This way you give your teen power to choose what s/he wants to do. The point is your teen cannot make friends if s/he has no place to meet new people.

2. Guide him or her on how to select friends. For example: Teach your teen to carefully choose his or her friends. Direct your teen to ask him or herself what s/he is looking for in NEW friends? Get your teen to write down 5 qualities or characteristics s/he would like the new friends to have.

3. Once your teen has a list prepared, ask him or her how the current friends measure up to these qualities. Ask about each friend, one at a time.

4. Let your teen know this doesn’t mean s/he can’t talk to other people who don’t have these qualities and characteristics. Encourage your teen to be friendly with everyone, BUT his or her closest friends should have most of the qualities they listed above.

5. Encourage your teen to make friends with people who have similar values to him or her (values are those things that are really important to us— e.g., family togetherness, going to university, education, staying healthy by not smoking, drinking and doing drugs, respecting others by not gossiping, etc.

6. If your teen is hoping to form a friendship with someone, ask him or her why s/he wishes to be friends with this particular person or this group of people? Ask him or her if these reasons are compatible to his or her answers to questions 2 and 5.

7. Demonstrate to your teen that friends can and probably will influence his or her behaviour. For example, ask him or her to think about something s/he does with newer set of friends that s/he never did with previous friends (or one group of friends compared to another group). Ask him or her to think of 2 good examples and 2 negative examples.

8. Encourage your teen to think about how s/he wants his or her friends to influence him or her? Ask him or her to think of 5 ways s/he would like to be influenced? Ask him or her how she would not like to be influenced.

Interested in more information? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and personally speak to her about your teen.

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today, it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-efficacy: Moulding your young child into a happy, socially adjusted, and successful teen

2010-11-24T10:18:00.004-05:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Children’s self-esteem starts forming during the ‘baby years.’ Babies’ experiences with their parents during these early years start shaping their self-image, self-confidence, and self-efficacy. Parents who spend much of their time criticizing as opposed to praising what their kids do or attempt to do may foster low self-esteem and self-efficacy.

Parents send out many messages to their children about who they are. Young children absorb these messages and accept them as fact. As kids grow, other people enter their lives. Siblings, other family members, and family friends will also influence the way the young children see themselves.

The more positive messages young children receive about themselves the better chance they have of developing a positive self-esteem and in building their faith in their capabilities. Experiences during this early time play an important role in setting children up for the next stage in their life; how each child will relate to teachers, peers, academic challenges, and strangers.

When they start school kids go in with an already set level of self-esteem and self-efficacy. This will influence how children see themselves in this new environment and how they perceive their ability to handle new situations such as relating to peers.

During the elementary school years, new experiences continue to shape children’s self-esteem. Often times these new experiences will reinforce the beliefs children have already formed about themselves. Whether they are limited or boundless self-beliefs, children, just like adults, will use novel situations to support how they see and feel about themselves.

When kids enter the teen years, they enter these years with self-esteem and self-confidence levels that were formed based on the experiences they endured during infancy and childhood. The type of feedback they received from parents, teachers, coaches, and peers has now shaped their view of their worth, their abilities, and who they are.

During these years, parents still have a strong influence on how children perceive themselves. They have the power to counter the negative experiences children have and to endorse the positive ones. How parents help their kids handle the new situations will influence children’s subsequent self-perception.

Self-esteem develops early in life and evolves as kids go through different life experiences. Each life experience shapes their self-image which in turn shapes their self-esteem and level of confidence. It is important for parents to realize the power they have in shaping their children’s image of themselves and how they feel about themselves.

As soon as infants start exploring the world, parents need to provide a secure and positive learning environment. Correcting their children’s behaviour in a caring and nurturing manner is the best approach to build a positive self-image and a healthy self-esteem and confidence level in their children.

Interested in more information about the benefits of teen coaching? Visit http://www.lifecoachintoronto.com/ and learn how Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today, it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

Settling into the new school year. Falling back into the old habits?

2010-11-08T14:36:00.003-05:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

The start of a new school year is always full of hopes and plans for making this year even better than the previous one(s). The beginning may even bring forth changes in youths’ and parental behaviour, thinking and feelings.

Unfortunately, these changes don’t always last very long. Often times, both teens and parents slip back into old routines from previous years, despite the fact they didn’t produce desired results. When life takes over, including our regular responsibilities, duties and worries, and when everything becomes hectic, it is just easier to slip back into the way things used to be to decrease pressure, stress and exertion.

Many families struggle to effectively change routine. It really can be difficult to change behaviour that has lasted for years but it is not impossible. When trying to make changes in youth’s behaviour, family support and encouragement is very important and will go much further than “letting them do it on their own.” While teens need to work on their behaviour on their own, family follow-up is important, valuable and it implies caring.

I suggest short weekly meetings to recap what has been done, what hasn’t been done, what prevented the goals from materializing, what helped with goal success, and what can be done to increase the possibility of future success, etc. Positive discussions over dinner about goal progress will be especially helpful. Lecture-style discussions or “I know best” usually don’t work well and will reduce the appetite. Parents ought to be open-minded and understand that changing behaviour, in addition to other pressures in a teen’s life, is hard—just think back to the success of your own new year’s resolutions.

As a parent, your job is to communicate with your teen and encourage them. Be in the know of what is going on with your child. When it comes to rearing teens we cannot be too busy to neglect what is going on with our kids. Knowing what helps your child succeed allows you to re-create the type of environment your teens need to thrive. Despite being mini-adults, good family relations are extremely beneficial for many areas of a teen’s life. Many studies have demonstrated that when parents show interest in what is going on in a teens’ life, including, school, sports, and social life, teens make better decisions. When approached in the right way, teens are willing to listen, speak, and take parental advice. Use this information to bond with your teen.

Ivana Pejakovic, Toronto Life Coach and Mentor

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today, it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

What’s Up for the Fall?

2010-10-28T12:42:00.002-04:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

The return of fall offers teens many fall-time activities, including many opportunities for sports, fitness (e.g., martial arts), the arts (visual and performing), social activities and more. What will your teen participate in this fall?

I recommend signing your teens up for programs of their choice. Sometimes parents sign their children up for programs they would choose for themselves, or based on what the parent thinks is good for their child. A parent cannot re-live his or her youth through their teens’ life and trying to do so may only lead to dissatisfaction for the teen and disappointment for the parent.

Participating in fall activities is your teen’s opportunity to figure out what interests them. Giving them the ability to choose their own activities is empowering, and it allows them to participate in what is truly fulfilling to them. With the pressures of school and life in general, this could be just the activity that brings them serenity, inspiration, and joy. These are necessary feelings for healthy development. Picking out the activities you think your teen should participate in can induce anger, stress and can make him or her feel powerless. In addition, forcing teens to participate in unwanted programs or sports will lower their self-esteem, confidence, and happiness levels.

There are many other benefits to participating in extracurricular activities, including the opportunity for your teens to build on her natural talents, to socialize, and to grow psychologically. Participation in extracurricular activities provides an opportunity to meet new friends, develop new skills such as teamwork and leadership, and to form new experiences that can stimulate new thinking, open-mindedness, and can enhance the quality of his or her life. Allowing your teens to participate in their preferred activities can also stimulate them to perform better in school. With a well-balanced lifestyle and needs that are met, it is easier to do well in different areas of life.

This fall, seriously consider discussing with your teen what activities interest him or her and encourage him or her to sign up for a recreational activity. If you are tight with money, consider signing your teens up for free programs organized by the community (check out meetup.com for such opportunities). If there aren’t any groups around that suit your teen’s interests, consider organizing a group yourself. This could be a great opportunity for you to network with other parents.

Interested in more information about the benefits of teen coaching? Visit www.lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic, can help motivate you and your teens to achieve their goals.

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today,
it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

World Peace Day

2010-09-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

Today’s International Peace Day. Many of you’ll think of political wars all over the world. It’s a good day to also think of personal disputes. We can’t solve larger issues in this world until we address smaller ones. Think of people you’ve hurt/belittled/misused/abused. Think of people who’ve done the same to you. Are you happy with how things are now or could you be happier if you didn’t expand energy on quarrels. Consider forgiving & making peace with others. If you want to see change in the world you must start with making changes in your own life.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Your Teen Coach & Mentor,

Ivana

Open-Minded Parents: Accepting Your Teens Goals

2010-08-31T18:25:00.002-04:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Teenagers can be fun, exciting and creative. They can also be stubborn, self-absorbed and self-defeating. That’s why it’s so important to have open-minded parents to not only help guide the teen through the mind fields of life, but also to help them set and achieve realistic goals.

The most important thing a teenager’s parents need to understand is: they aren’t in control forever. Eventually the teen grows up and leaves the nest, and the steps parents take while the teen is under their roof is key to determining the level of success their teen will have when they grow up. A parent must be firm, but also understanding that being a teenager is about boundaries, experimentation, and setting goals. Parents should facilitate a learning process that helps their teen understand what goals they’re interested in, and how to move from point A to point B in terms of achieving them. This means helping the teen investigate future goals, not pressing upon them what the parents want them to do.

Another important strategy for parents is to recognize and reward effort versus innate ability. Every teen has different strengths and weaknesses and some teens are able to skate through something successfully by putting in minimum effort. For others, it takes great work and effort to achieve minimal success. That’s why “smart parenting” dictates putting more emphasis on the effort put into something, as opposed to simply the end result. This way, parents start to instill the importance of having a strong work ethic, which is critical to success later in life.

Parents should also use short term goals to reward and motivate their teens. Some parents have their teen’s life mapped out already and only reward them based on their long-term effort & commitment to achieving these long term goals. This can be a recipe for disaster, as teens’ thinking is much shorter term, and can lead to feelings of inadequacy, depression and failure if long term goals look like they’re not being met. Parents should help their child break up all goals into small, short term ones, and reward them accordingly, that way teens feel they are meeting with success, by achieving goals on a regular basis.

Parenting a teen can be a challenge, but by keeping and open mind & making smart decisions, the challenge can feel very rewarding. Facilitating learning processes, recognizing effort versus ability and using short term goals to motivate are a few of the ways to foster a strong relationship with your teen, as well as give them the best possible chance to meet their goals and be successful in life. Remember, teenagers can be very stubborn and the best way to make sure they’re on the right track is to give them the knowledge and understanding they need to make their own decisions.

Need some help understanding how to be an open-minded parent? Visit www.lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Social Support Helps Teens Achieve Goals

2010-08-31T18:23:00.004-04:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

A strong social support system is critical for teens to maximize their potential and achieve their goals. Let’s face it, life is tough for teenagers and that can sometimes make it difficult to set and achieve goals.

They’re dealing with many new things, such as puberty, body issues, fitting in, experimentation with drugs & alcohol, exploring their own sexuality, and balancing the line between “following the rules” and exploring their own individuality. That’s an awful lot of stuff to be dealing with on their own. Social support systems can play a protective role, and not only help reduce stress, but also provide support and encouragement for any goals and plans the teenager may have.

It is also important to have multiple levels of support, from different people. If you have only one person supporting you through difficult times, you may wear that person out, or feel unsupported if that person is unavailable. It’s better for everyone if you have at least a few people to depend on.

Here are three of the most important groups that teens can turn to for support and encouragement in the formulation and execution of their goals.

Parents: It’s been proven that teen parents who live with their parents or relatives are more likely to return to school, to graduate from high school and to be employed. It’s also been proven that teens who involve their parents in their lives and decision making are much more likely to stay out of trouble and make better choices in life. In other words, teens that have the proper support are much more likely to set and meet goals and achieve greater levels of success in their lives than teens that are disconnected or estranged from their parents

Social groups: It’s important that teens get out there and socialize with other like-minded teens. Whether it’s organized sports, a band, or club, teens connect best with other teens. Much of teenage “angst” comes from one feeling “alone” and misunderstood. Spending time with other teens will help them share trials and tribulations, not feel alone, as well as allow each other to nurture their goals and dreams.

If a teen is lonely and having trouble finding a group or activity to get involved with, they can join gym, volunteer to help the disabled or underprivileged, get a pet, join an online social network, join a sports team or find a group of their choosing on “Meet Up.com.”

Social workers: Sometimes friends or family don’t have all the answers, and it’s wise to consult a professional. There are many different kinds of professionals, including guidance counselors, cognitive behavioral therapists, and psychologists. Another popular choice is for teens to get involved with a life coach. Life coaches specialize in helping people set goals and map out the path required to achieve them. They have specialized skills that help teens understand their problems, needs, wants and goals and can often help disenfranchised teens get a new outlook on their lives and their ambitions.

Proper support systems in integral to a teen succeeding in life, and it’s important for a teens to foster strong relationships with their parents, get involved with social groups and if necessary, get the proper help they need from a social worker, guidance councilor or life coach.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teen Goals and the Value of Socialization

2010-08-31T18:18:00.003-04:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Teens are special; they’re almost like adults-in-training. They require education, love and nurturing to grow to be motivated, contributing members of society. It’s very important that teens learn the value of setting and achieving goals early in life, and there’s no better positive influence than that of like-minded peers. It’s key to get teens involved with other teens who share their goals and interests, so that they’ll encourage and nurture each other.

Teens are often desperate to fit in, and the social groups they choose often play a huge role in determining the kind of adult they grow into. If a teen lacks goals, they’ll often migrate to others in the same boat, the teens without goals tend to fill their time by getting into trouble. Birds of a feather flock together, so make sure your teen is part of the right flock.

A lack of goals often leads teens to feel directionless, which in turn can foster feelings of depression and despair. Life is complicated for teens, but nothing helps confidence and motivation more than a sense of achievement, and proper goal implementation is a great way for your teen to feel like they’ve achieved something.

Teens are constantly subjected to the opinions of authority figures like parents, teachers, guidance councilors and coaches. But no opinions matter more to a teen than that of their peers. Teens need encouragement and support from their peers to feel like they’ve accomplished something and are accepted among other teens. That’s why it’s so important to get teens involved in healthy, positive activities that will allow them to grow, learn and most importantly, gain confidence in themselves and their abilities.

Getting your teen involved with positive peers and activities is one the best ways for them to feel like they “belong,” as well as allow them to earn the respect of peers that they respect. If your teen hangs out with other goal-oriented teens, they’re more likely to become goal oriented themselves. And conversely, if they hang out with lazy, goal-less friends, they’re more likely to feel disillusioned and unmotivated. Help your teen choose their friends wisely, as they are who your teen will be trying to emulate and impress.

Need some advice in motivating your teens to think about their strengths and goals? Visit http://www.lifecoachintoronto.com/ and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Teen Goals: Celebrating Small Successes

2010-08-31T18:13:00.002-04:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

No success is too small to celebrate. People that wait for the “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow” often times miss out on the little wins that truly build character. Successful goal setting is about recognizing that stringing all the little wins together is the true benchmark of success.

Teens are just learning about the value of setting goals, and often forget to celebrate the little wins across their journey. A constant series of small “wins” is the perfect formula to strengthen self-esteem and demonstrate to the teen that they are winners. Celebrating small wins also helps the teen recognize that success doesn’t always come in a big package.

Sometimes teens look at their goal-path and view it as a huge mountain that’s almost insurmountable. But by breaking it down into a series of small, attainable goals, and celebrating those goals when they’re met, the teen will begin to view goal-setting as an overly positive experience, with constant wins and celebrations along the path. Celebration will encourage the teen to keep setting and achieving small goals, and hopefully the teen will begin to view the goal-setting practice as a series of constant wins and celebrations.

Some days we feel “up,” and some we feel “down.” Depending on what’s going on with one’s life, people can begin to feel overloaded with stress and negativity. There’s usually not enough time to complete everything in a day and that can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed. If one measures success by the completion of the larger picture, often times the pictures will look bleak. By celebrating small successes along the way, we’re creating a wave of constant positivity that will keep attitudes strong and give the impression of daily “wins.”

Need some advice in understanding how to celebrate the small successes? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

How Goals Help Increase Self-Confidence in Teens

2010-08-29T11:37:00.005-04:00

Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Wouldn’t it be great if all teens went through puberty happy, well adjusted, and brimming with confidence? Unfortunately, many don’t and some end up unhappy or dissatisfied with certain areas of their life. Setting and meeting goals is an integral part of keeping up a teen’s spirit and helping them address difficult issues.

Examine areas of your teen's life that seem to trigger low confidence or self-esteem and encourage him/her to set goals in these areas. For example, concerns with body issues can be addressed by fitness and nutrition goals. Athletic or musical performance issues can be looked after by setting goals to practice more often. Anxiety over poor academic performance can be rectified by setting goals for tutoring, homework, extra reading, scheduled studying sessions, etc.

Teens that live a sedentary lifestyle, (lying on the couch) are more likely to have problems with confidence, concentration, and depression. It’s beneficial to get your teen moving and participating in activities that exercise their body, mind, and soul. Setting fun and exciting goals is likely to motivate your teen to continue achieving them.

Break up big goals into smaller ones and then celebrate the successes

Show your teen how to break up big goals into a series of small steps. Small goals are key in goal implementation strategy as it makes the overall goal appear attainable. Life can be difficult during the teen years and they can easily interpret small failures as huge. Instead, teach them to interpret small successes as huge! Be sure to celebrate once each milestone is reached! These celebrations will help boost confidence and self-esteem as teens acknowledge their achievements.

Ivana Pejakovic, Toronto Life Coach

New School Year, New Goals, New Success: A New Plan of Action by Working Together

2010-08-09T14:41:00.003-04:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Teens who set goals at the beginning of each school year are more likely to succeed academically than their counterparts. When one is aware of what he or she is trying to accomplish it is easier to complete the necessary activities. Setting personal and academic goals also improves concentration, increases focus, and defines a purpose in life. Teens who do not set goals stumble through the teen years, are more likely to have problems fitting in with a group of people (we tend to stick to like-minded people), and have a harder time understanding themselves as an individual. More importantly, when teens make goals they understand that their choices and behaviours today contribute to the end result tomorrow.

A new school year is always a great time to help your teen set some new personal and school goals. This is the perfect time to sit down with your kids, learn about your teen’s dreams and desires, and what you can do to support him or her. In addition, as your teen thinks about what he or she wants long-term, your child will think about what needs to be done short-term. The short-term goals are important because they are smaller and make the overall goal seem doable.

Encourage your teen to write down his or her goals. This will enable him or her to build a sense of ownership and feel a sense of empowerment when it comes to goal completion. Both aspects are important because they serve as motivation. Feeling as if others are in charge of our goals or feeling as if others are choosing our dreams discourages us from working to accomplish the set out objectives. Allowing your teen to write down his or her goals will empower him or her.

To increase your teen’s motivation and enthusiasm for goal planning you and your teen can work on this together. Go ahead and think about what personal and professional goals you would like to accomplish and discuss them with your teen. Your teen is old enough to understand the basics, if not more, of your goals. This process will allow you to bond and support each other to stay on track. This process will also increase your teen’s desire to approach you for advice if his or her plan is not proceeding as expected. By working with your teen on your respective goals you will set a great example for your child (actions speak louder than words) and increase your own chances for success.

You may find that your teen needs to spend some time thinking about what he or she wants to achieve, especially if your child hasn’t given this much thought previously. The important part is for you to demonstrate patience and let your child know that this is an important and valuable process that needs time, concentration, and persistence. By participating with your child in this activity you will be able to provide him or her with an example of goal setting. He or she will see that goal setting requires time and planning. The example you set for him or her will help your teen understand that he or she is not the only one who needs time coming up with goals.

Go ahead and work together towards your goals this year!

PLAN OF ACTION

1. Schedule a time when both of you (or the entire family) agree to sit down to complete this task. Don’t pull your teen away from something he or she is doing at the moment to do your goals list. He or she may feel resentful about being pulled away from a recreational activity & might therefore be resistant to this exercise.

2. When the scheduled time comes, sit in a room with limited distractions (no TV, phone, or other family members walking around & talking). Another option is to go to a quiet coffee shop. That way you are out of the house, treating yourself to a drink & dessert, spending quality time with your child, & being productive.

3. Start the process out with asking your child what he or she would like to accomplish, what he or she would like to improve upon from previous years, what is important to him, what he or she would like to do in the future, what he or she would like to do if he or she knew failure was not at risk. Ask your child about his or her dreams. Encourage your child to think about the various areas of life: social, financial (if age appropriate), career (it’s always a good idea to motivate your child to think about what he or she is interested in), intellectual, physical, family, spiritual, etc. NOTE. Too much focus in one area & ignoring the other areas of life leads to a lack of fulfillment.

4. This is a good time to share with your child your own ideas of what is important to you, what you would like to accomplish. Your child will learn that you also have to go through some thinking & planning about what you would like to accomplish. More importantly your child will learn that it is normal for this exercise to take a little bit of effort.

5. When you are ready, start writing down your goals. Written goals will help your teen keep your eye on what he r she wants to accomplish. Written goals keep minds in focus even when distractions & temptations are present.

6. You & your teen should think about a plan of action. What can you do each day to accomplish your respective goals? Write those down too. It is usually easiest if you write down each goal on a separate piece of paper & list out your plan of action (the short-term goals you need to complete to attain your long-term goals) for each objective.

7. When you create your lists, put it on the refrigerator. That way your child will look at the list each time he or she goes into the fridge (and so will you). In addition, you will demonstrate to him or her that what he or she wants to accomplish is important enough to warrant space on the refrigerator. Lastly, looking at your child’s goal will remind you to ask your teen about his or her progress. It will allow you to discuss your own progress & struggles. You will set an excellent example to your teen about how goals work.

8. At the end of every month, sit down with your teen to assess your progress. Celebrate all achievements together (even if only one of you has a successful outcome)! All achievements warrant a celebration as these are the stepping stones to the bigger dream. These celebrations will also encourage your teen to keep working on his or her goals.

9. Don’t forget to update your progress on the refrigerator. You’re progress will encourage you & your teen to keep going when it gets tough.

Interested in more information about the benefits of teen coaching? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today,
it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

Setting the Right Goals

2010-07-02T15:59:00.003-04:00

A question most of us ask ourselves is whether or not we are setting the right goals. With so many external influences and pressures it can be difficult to distinguish between others’ goals and our own. To help us decide, it is helpful to have a number of measures to assess the appropriateness of our goals to ensure we are really choosing what is important to us. The three criteria I use are 1) my passion and enthusiasm to work towards my goals, 2) the compatibility of my goals with my core values, and 3) the amount of fun I am having while working towards my goals. While all three measures are important, none of them are sufficient on their own. As a result, I use all three criteria to evaluate if my goals are right for me.

Passion and Enthusiasm

Man of us have heard that as long as we are passionate and enthusiastic about our goals we know we are on the right path. Sometimes, however, it can be difficult to use enthusiasm as a sole measure of the ‘rightness’ of our goals. Depending on the day and the events in our lives our level of enthusiasm can vary anywhere from low to high. While it is difficult to have our enthusiasm level stay high at all times, natural passion and enthusiasm for goals that are not our own does not occur. It is like getting excited about working towards something you dread.

Core Values and Strengths

Our natural strengths tend to support our values. We are given strengths to help us act in accordance to what is important to us. For example, people who value helping others, tend to have strengths, such as communication skills and compassion that allow them to do what is important to them. When picking our goals, it would be beneficial to first self-analyze. Ask yourself what is important to you and how you would like to contribute to society. The answers to these questions will lead you to set goals that are fulfilling and motivating.

Fun

When we work towards goals that naturally align with our values and strengths we are more likely to have fun as we work our way to goal achievement. Even the trial and error process can be amusing as we are challenged to complete our objectives. Pushing to achieve goals that are not our own, however, may require us to use skills and talents that we do not naturally possess. If we cannot develop the required skills and talents up to our expectations, we are likely to experience self-directed anger and frustration.

No Secret Formulae Needed

So, how do we know if our goals are truly the right goals for us? Choosing personal or professional goals really does not require unique and complex formulae. When our goals align with our values and strengths, we are more likely to have fun with what we do. Passion and enthusiasm, though it may dwindle from time to time, will come naturally and working towards goal achievement will feel effortless. When choosing our goals, however, we need to know ourselves and what is important to us. Once we choose a goal we can use the three measures to verify if this goal is indeed the right goal for us.

Need some advice in motivating your teens to think about their strengths and goals? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Why sign your child up for teen coaching?

2010-06-22T12:39:00.004-04:00

With so many teen activities/ programs offered during the summer, it can be a difficult choice when deciding where to sign up your child. Do you pick a physical activity so that your teen gets some exercise, perhaps something creative to nurture his or her natural talent, or a sleepover camp program to build his or her independence? All these great options make it tougher for you to choose the option that would best benefit your child.

While most programs have strong points, teen coaching offers a number of unique benefits that combine the advantages of other programs and can plant seeds for future success. Teen coaching can teach teens how to address various age-related challenges and how to deal with new circumstances as they mature.

During the adolescent years, teens’ biggest challenge is to discover their identity and to figure out where they best fit in. By opening the lines of communication with your child, a teen coach can help him or her discover who they are, what their values are, and to be proud of their natural talents and skills. This process of nurturing your teens’ natural skills and abilities can increase teens’ self-esteem, self-respect, and self-love. These are necessary components for strong leadership, independence, and success. When an individual is confident in whom they are and proud of their strengths and abilities, it encourages them to take positive risks to maximize on presented opportunities.

An expert teen coach understands typical teen behaviour and can offer solutions for more positive actions. While working with a teen mentor adolescents can address their negative thoughts and false beliefs acquired from observation or personal experience that can contribute to a lack of success. By correcting these false beliefs with self-serving ones, coaches can help teens grow into happy and loving adults who make positive life choices. Individuals who are happy with and confident in who they are naturally motivated to live a full life. They are bound to enjoy more accomplishments and success in all areas of their lives as they make choices that are congruent with their values and identity. A teen coach can help your teen be the best person possible.

Teen coaches also spend time addressing teens’ goals, where the teen is currently positioned with respect to achieving those goals, and coaches advise teens on how to increase their level of achievement. Teen coaches inspire clients to stay motivated when setbacks, obstacles or temporary failures cloud their judgement and decrease their determination to achieve their objectives.

The role of the teen coach is to be a catalyst between the client and his or her objective. Instead of telling teens how to achieve goals, coaches teach them how to make the best choices to increase the possibility of success. Lessons learned during teen coaching in one area of life can be used and applied in other areas of life.

Ivana Pejakovic, Life Coach in Toronto

Teens are a very special part of our society. They are our tomorrow! Today, it is up to us to inspire them to be all that they can be!

What does your teen believe in?

2010-06-08T07:30:00.002-04:00

We believe in a great number of things. We believe in the goodness of others and in their ability to do what they say they can do, we believe in luck and we believe in miracles, we believe in a higher power, and we believe (to name just a few). Unfortunately, most of us don’t believe in ourselves, in our capability to achieve our goals, and in our ability to choose what is right for us. Without belief in ourselves we are highly unlikely to reach our dreams.

A lack of belief in ourselves is among the top reasons that we fail what we set out to complete. If you think back to many of your failures, it usually had very little to do with your ability to perform. Instead it was your lack of belief in yourself to be able to learn a new skill that discouraged you from persevering in your venture. You may already know that believing in yourself takes confidence, practice, self-love and self-acceptance.

While it is never too late to start believing in yourself, the earlier you start the better. As a teen, do you remember believing in yourself and your ability to achieve everything you wanted to do? Your answer most likely depends on how much your parents believed in you. Family and friends have a strong influence on how children perceive and feel about themselves. A parent’s attitude easily rubs off on children and can stick with them into adulthood. This attitude, whether negative or positive, will stay with children until they consciously choose to change their beliefs about themselves. Parents can also serve as a buffer against peer influence. Teens can get carried away with a negative attitude about themselves and the way one friend feels about him or herself can easily be transferred to the entire group, leading others to self-criticize. We learn by watching others!

What about your teen? Observing your teens behaviour will easily tell you if he or she believes in him or herself. Continual behaviour that demonstrates insecurity and uncertainty when attempting new things highly suggests that he or she has a hard time believing in him or herself to produce the desired outcomes. Most of the time it is easy to boost your child’s confidence level by showing your child you believe in him or her. This is usually done by entrusting your teen with important decisions or tasks. While telling your teen you trust and believe in him or her is a good bonus, it is typically not enough for them to gain a positive belief in themselves. It is always more powerful for a teen to demonstrate to him or herself that he or she is capable of getting things done.

Ivana Pejakovic, Toronto Life Coach and Mentor

Teenage stress as a result of a lack of direction

2010-06-01T13:29:00.002-04:00

Chances are you experienced a time when you had very little direction in your life. If asked to describe it, you may use words such as ‘bleak’, ‘depressing’, ‘stressful’, and ‘nerve-racking’ to illustrate this stage of your life. These are the exact same feelings and thoughts that teens experience when they have little direction in their own life. Not only are they facing peer pressure, dealing with puberty, they may also be experiencing demands at home to start thinking about their future and what they would like to be when they are all grown up.

Most likely, they are not given any guidance (either at home or at school) as to how they should approach the topic of thinking about the future. As a result, they either avoid it all together or pick something that is easy and achievable in their life, without taking into consideration how well this field would suit them or whether or not it would make them happy.

We are all born with special talents and gifts. Evidence of these skills and talents usually emerge early in our life. Sometimes they are obvious and other times it requires behavioural awareness when we are older. Once we uncover our strengths, however, it is easier to choose a compatible direction in our life.

This also holds true for teens. In addition to being distracted by peers and many new experiences in life, it can be challenging to learn about their real identity and to also focus on discovering their strengths. Some may even find their skills and talents embarrassing or not good enough when comparing themselves to their friends. Suppressing their talents can make it even harder to find a direction in their life that will make them happy.

A teen coach has an objective perspective and can be a great mentor to any adolescent. A teen mentor can let each client see what his or her real skills are and can teach him or her to appreciate both the strengths and weaknesses. In addition, a teen coach can advise teens on how to use their strengths to find a direction in life that is compatible with who they are as individuals while providing a caring and nurturing environment.

Need some advice in motivating your teens to think about their strengths and goals? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to achieve their goals.

Modeling goal setting behaviour to your teens

2010-05-31T15:03:00.001-04:00

Our attitudes about goals are learned based on our experiences and observations of other people (where the people who are the closest and most important to us have the strongest impact on our learning). In general, how would you describe your attitude about goals? Do you believe that goal setting is useless and a waste of time since you aren’t one of the people blessed enough to have your goals realized when you set out to accomplish them? Or, maybe you think that setting goals is one of the most important activities in life and that without having a clear destination in mind you would be lost. Perhaps your attitude about goals falls somewhere in between? Whatever you attitude about goal setting, it says a lot about your ability to achieve goals. A negative attitude about goals suggests that you have a harder time reaching that which you set out to do, whereas, a positive attitude implies you tend to achieve what you have in mind.

Unfortunately (and fortunately), many of our attitudes, habits and behaviours are passed on to our children through vicarious learning. After repeated exposure to certain behaviour in a particular situation, our children start to believe that to be the correct way to behave when the same or similar situation arises. Next time when they are placed in such a circumstance they will most likely behave very closely to the way you would. Unfortunately the “Do as I say, not as I do” mantra is not as powerful as actual examples you set for your teens.

In terms of goals, what examples are you setting for your kids? If you look closely do you see patterns in your and your teen’s thoughts, attitudes, and behaviour? While you will not be 100% identical in everything, you should recognize patterns in the way they behave. Typically, they model one or the other parent. The next question to consider is: Do you recognize constructive of destructive patterns in your teen’s goal setting behaviour?

Worried about your teen’s ambivalent or negative attitude toward goal setting? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to set and achieve their goals.

Teen Responsibility: Path to Success

2010-05-30T07:58:00.002-04:00

What responsibility does your teen have? Teen responsibility is one of the most important tools in preparing for a successful life. In infancy and childhood, children learn to identify what they need (e.g. food, toys, kisses) and they learn to ask for it. It is the parent’s responsibility to supply it to them. During adolescence, teens continue to learn what they require in life but at this stage they should start learning how to satisfy some of their own needs. The best way to teach this is by assigning age-appropriate responsibility to your teen. The adolescence stage should be used as a weaning period where teens learn how to fend for themselves. By the end of the teenage years, they ought to be self-reliant.

While communication is extremely important with your teen, frequently talking to your teen about responsibility will not necessarily prepare them to be responsible. In addition, excessive discussions can turn against you. Instead, it is the job of a parent to gradually introduce tasks, duties, and other obligations into children’s lives so that they may gain hands-on experience of what responsibility really means (this goes beyond the responsibility of household chores). Assigning responsibility means that you also need to clearly lay out the consequences; explanations of what happens when duties are or are not completed as agreed upon. By doing this you send the ball back into your teen’s court. The teen learns that if consequences occur it is due to his or her own choices and decisions. This process is extremely important for teaching your teen how to take 100% responsibility for the events and outcomes in their lives. Once they learn to take responsibility for their life they will soar.

Need some advice in motivating your teens to be responsible? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, Ivana Pejakovic can help motivate your teens to set and achieve their goals.

Being conscious of you

2010-05-23T20:29:00.001-04:00

Often we engage in particular behaviour and then ask ourselves why we behaved as we did. Many times we have a hard time answering this question and attribute our behaviour to our stupidity, inadequacy, or some other self-degrading reason (if the behaviour happens to be negative). Most of the behaviour we engage in, however, has nothing to do with our intelligence, worth, or clumsiness. So then, how can we explain our behaviour?

I am sure you will agree that most of your day follows a strict routine, from the second you wake up (how many times you press the snooze button) to the second you go to bed (how you turn off the light and settle into bed). With routine comes habit; behaviour that is unplanned or automatic. For example, have you ever driven home from work or some other destination without any memory of how you got there? If your life depended on it, you couldn’t remember stopping at red lights or stop signs, you couldn’t remember changing lanes, you couldn’t remember the speed you drove at but thankfully you made it home safely. Unfortunately, this is how we live through most of our day (think of other incidents that you cannot remember by the end of the day). This is also why we cannot explain why we sometimes behave as we do.

Habits are very powerful and can be formed with little effort. Changing habits however, takes considerable more work. Why? Mainly, because we have to be conscious of the present moment: we have to be aware of our behaviour, understand that our behaviour brings undesired outcomes, and decide on future behaviour that would be more desirable when a similar circumstance arises. Once we have this outlined then we have to consciously replace habitual behaviour (behaviour performed without thought) with our new and desired behaviour. Sounds logical and easy enough, does it? It certainly does.

Real life, however, contains situations where we are tested, where we get excited, and people seem to know exactly how to push our buttons. In addition, it is while we are highly charged up with emotion (not logic), when it seems like every cell in our body urges us to behave habitually that we have to choose the new and improved behaviour. Doesn’t sound as easy anymore, does it? Charged emotions almost always turn on the autopilot!

How then do we overcome the impulse to act habitually? What can we use to motivate us to make the effort and actually change our behaviour? In one word: “Values!” Values guide our actions, direct our lives, and affect the decisions we make. The trick is to figure out who we are, what is important to us, and what kind of a life we want to live. Unless we are aware of our values, we may behave in contradiction to what is important to us and how we would like to live our lives. When we keep our values hidden we reduce the likelihood of living the life we would like to live. Instead, we are more likely to succumb to external pressures. When we behave in accordance to what is important to us, however, we receive instant and long-lasting gratification. We experience an increase in our self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence. Of course, these are key ingredients to happiness and success.

In addition, when you know your values you also become conscious of your life purpose. Knowing your purpose in life can be both inspiring and motivating. When you know what you want to accomplish and what is important to you, it is easy to develop a burning desire to fulfill your dreams.

Do you know what your values are? As with habits, core values also require self-awareness. Self-awareness means being aware of yourself; including, traits, feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. If you want to change your life in any way you need to know yourself before you can act (do things differently). You need to know who you are, what is important, what you value, your likes and dislikes, and your strengths and weaknesses in order to head in the right direction.
When you know the answers to these questions it will be easier to switch from undesired to desired behaviour. How well do you know yourself? Perhaps you should invest some time in getting to know the most important person in your life. You.

Wondering about your habits, values, or self-awareness level? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic, and see what you can do to be the person you wish to be.

Teen Success

2010-05-21T16:27:00.001-04:00

Unless you are working against nature, no goal, in my opinion, is unrealistic when planned and initiated properly. Ambitious goals are like climbing a steep mountain. If you attempt climbing the mountain without any gear and prior preparation and expect to reach the top immediately, you will soon give up and consider yourself a failure. Your expectations about the necessary effort to accomplish your goal are unrealistic.

If you take the necessary steps to prepare for this journey and face the mountain with the gear necessary to help you climb one step at a time till you reach the top you will be more likely succeed. You will also be more likely to attempt another try if you lose your way the first time around because the goal will not appear nearly as daunting.

How do you set out to complete your goals? Do you plan accordingly and prepare the necessary resources that will help you along the way? Or do you set out on your journey to attain your goal without preparations, precautions, and any valuable tools?

Do your teens mimic your goal setting and achieving behaviours? How do they go about attaining their life dreams? What have you taught them about realizing their visions and objectives?

Need some advice in motivating your teens to set goals? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, IvanaPejakovic can help motivate your teens to set and achieve their goals.

Teen Goals

2010-05-19T12:41:00.002-04:00

What are your children’s goals? Do they have goals? What have you taught them about goal setting? What have you taught them about achieving their goals? What kinds of examples have you been setting for your children? Many times our own lack of knowledge about a given topic or our prejudices influences our children in their own decision making. The examples we set for our children is what we indirectly teach them.

This means your positive or discouraging actions indirectly shape your children’s thoughts regarding goal setting and achieving. Think back to your regular New Year’s resolutions. Do your children see you succeed or do they see your lack of success, lack of commitment, and then hear you say you are unable to achieve what you set out to achieve? It is OK for children to see your failure as long as you persist and eventually complete your goals. Failures are a part of life and great learning lessons as we figure out what works and what doesn’t. Giving up teaches your children that a lack of commitment and persistence is a part of life and that achieving goals is a rare occurrence. When children see persistence, commitment, and determination, they learn to take ownership of their lives and learn to be responsible for any outcome in their lives. What examples have you been setting for your children?

Need some advice in motivating your teens to set goals? Visit lifecoachintoronto.com and learn how Toronto Life Coach and Mentor, IvanaPejakovic can help motivate your teens to set and achieve their goals.

Life's Blessings

2010-05-13T15:58:00.003-04:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

Recently I was handed information that could change my entire life. After thinking about how lucky I was to have this information just given to me (without any expectation of any return) I realized it would be useless unless I put the information to work. The “gift” will only be valuable if I use the information as it was meant to be used. If I decide to leave it on the shelf, it would become a useless dust collector. If I allow this to happen the information would have better been shared elsewhere, somewhere where it would be put to use. I realized it is my RESPONSIBILITY to give it the attention and care it warrants.

What valuable item have you received? Are you handling it as it is meant to be handled or are you letting it just sit there, not using it as it was meant to be used? Are your behaviour and attitude truly deserving of the treasure you received or would it have been better used if given to someone else? Think about the many blessings you are given daily. Are you using them to their fullest potential? How would your life be different if you used your blessings as they were meant to be used?

Interested in more information on teaching gratitude to your teen? Contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic and find out how you can set an example to your teen.

Meet New Friends to Make Fun and Memorable Experiences

2010-05-06T12:36:00.005-04:00

By: Bruno LoGreco

Are you ready to step outside your comfort zone and make those memorable experiences you yearn for? Follow three fun and exciting ways to make new friends and you will not only have a new social circle but also develop your social skills.

Finding new friends to make and share memorable experiences in some cases is only a click away. All you need is a list of ideas and a computer, and then you will be well on your way to making new, fun and exciting friends.

Making new friends isn't as difficult as it may seem. Start by compiling a clear list of activities you enjoy, such as sports, hobbies, music, entertainment, etc. You will want to make sure the activities you choose bring on a sense of excitement.

Meetup.com Is a social network website categorized by interests. It makes it easy for you to organize a local group or to find one from the thousands already meeting face-to-face every day. More than 2,000 different groups get together in local communities each day, each one with the goal of making new friends.

Local Event Calendar Many cities and municipalities publish a bi-weekly newsletter with an event calendar containing everything from fairs, upcoming sports events and local activities. You can find anything from happiness and wellness programs to arts and craft programs taking place in your community every week. There is something for everyone, including hiking through former farmland past pretty lakes and wetlands. You'll be sure to make a friend. So don't forget to register for their newsletter.

Say "Yes" Not everything sounds like fun and excitement, but you really won't know for sure until you try it. The most memorable and exciting events are those that are unexpected and spontaneous. Get out of your comfort zone and say "Yes" to something new that you haven't tried before. A new adventure awaits you, and you will never know whom you can meet until you say "YES".

Participating in activities you enjoy is a sure way of finding like-minded people to share lasting memorable experiences. Not only will you have fun, but you will increase your social circle too. What are you waiting for? You have friends to make!

Need a confidence boost to help make new friends? visit brunologreco.com and learn how life coaching with Toronto life coach and mentor Bruno LoGreco can help you build your social circle.

Phobia, False Beliefs and Procrastination - The Physical Symptoms of Anxiety and Stress

2010-05-06T12:31:00.005-04:00

By: Bruno LoGreco

The physical symptoms of anxiety and stress are enough to knock anyone out. Do something about them before you are out for the count.

Nobody enjoys anxiety. And in some cases it can be debilitating. Reduce or even eliminate anxiety when you apply these techniques to your daily routine.

Fears, phobias, false beliefs and procrastination - these are just a few of the culprits that can cause anxiety. The trick to reducing or even eliminating anxiety is to identify the root cause and to change the belief surrounding it. In many cases anxiety is caused by thoughts and can be treated without medication and with effective life coaching.

Phobia is an overwhelming feeling of anxiety caused by a fear of specific situations or things, such as activities, animals, social settings or a confined space. The main symptom is an excessive and unreasonable desire to avoid the situation. Phobias disrupt daily life.

To overcome phobias one must determine the false belief associated with it, e.g., the bridge will collapse if I cross it, therefore it is unsafe. The image in the mind is very vivid and real. The mind cannot distinguish reality from fiction and when it sees the image - survival is a human instinct so it warns the body of the impending danger - it reacts with anxiety, which is a natural human response. The trick is to replace the negative image with a positive one.

False Beliefs can be misconceptions about one's own capabilities. The belief has the power to build and destroy self-confidence. Low self-confidence can lead to avoiding experiences for fear of failure. The idea of trying something that may result in failure creates an extraordinary amount of stress. It opens the sweat glands and causes a whirlwind of excuses.

But these are the lessons that are invaluable and needed throughout life. It doesn't matter if the outcome is positive or negative because in the end the lessons learned from the experience outweigh any experience, which doesn't require much thought at all. A positive affirmation to counter any false beliefs will help to reduce stress.

Procrastination refers to putting off or delaying actions or tasks until some time in the future. It is a way of not having to deal with the outcome of a particular situation because the image in the mind is a negative one. So the natural human response is to jolt the body with anxiety, warning it of the impending danger.

It is another false belief represented by an image in the mind. The truth of the situation is on the other side. Change the image in the mind and deal with whatever is being avoided - now. Habitual procrastination will turn into guilt.

Reduce or even eliminate anxiety. Learn how to identify the root cause and to change the false belief. Bruno LoGreco, Toronto Life Coach, Mentor & Motivational Speaker can show you how. Visit brunologreco.com to learn more about life coaching.

"Why Did I Just Do That?" Core Values - Life's Guiding Principles to Moral Conduct

2010-05-06T12:27:00.005-04:00

By: Bruno Logreco

Are you frustrated and confused about a certain situation and are being forced to make a decision which is causing you stress and anxiety? Discover your Core Values - the value system consisting of morals, ethics and guiding principles that governs your every move - and you will resolve the situation with ease!

Core Values are the "why" to how you behave and choose from the choices presented to you in day-to-day life. If you have ever thought to yourself - "Why did I just do that?" - the answer is the result of years of acquired experiences, of molding, defining and redefining your guiding principles. From the choices you make - right or wrong - to the career path you chose or will choose to take, and to the tolerable degree of difficulty you can endure when faced with challenges. They define who you are and will also answer the question "Why did I just do that?"

Core Values differ from person to person. They are made up of ethics, personal and cultural beliefs, spiritual and ideological views. Environments and experiences also contribute to your overall moral conduct. The combination of all these aspects creates a value system which most people use without even being aware of it. It is a person's driving force and influences their actions and reactions.

Ethics represent a system of moral principles governing a person's appropriate conduct. This will help you to live a fulfilled and happy life.

Personal and cultural values are a set of beliefs which are measurable but only to the mind's eye - they are subjective. They include internal beliefs: what is good enough, self-limits, integrity, expectations, needs, etc.

Spiritual and ideological values are goals, actions, a vision - a personal perspective on life and what is or isn't common sense. A set of ideas, abstract thoughts, and automatic responses applied to everyday life: family, friendship, profession, politics and spirituality, but applying little or no conscious thought to the response.

Moral conduct is how you express yourself - right or wrong - in everyday life based on your guiding principles. Your ethics, personal and cultural, spiritual and ideological values determine what these are. And, they can be defined and redefined again and again, with each experience and with wisdom.

How to identify Core Values

1. Use a Life Map. You can download a template at the end of this article. Think back to when you were in your adolescent years. Pick an age when you started to take action for yourself, e.g., used public transportation on your own for the first time, choice of school, first job, any diplomas, certificates, and achievements, recognition, sports teams, etc. Make a list of experiences and next to each one write the age you were at the time. Continue writing down every experience that you can remember while you grew up, e.g., finished college, career path, partner, major investments, travels. Anything that comes to mind - write it down and include the age you were for each experience.

2. Using the Life Map template, plot each experience into one of the following three categories: success, challenge, and perceived failure. You could have had experiences that involved success, a challenge as well as failure.

3. Review the Life Map and determine which Core Values were expressed. Download a list at the end of this article. Next to each experience write the Top 3 Core Values you feel align best with that experience.

4. Review the Life Map and the results associated with each experience. Transfer the 10 most common Core Values you feel align best with you to the Top 10 list on the template.

5. Prioritize the Top 10 list. Review each one and become aware of your emotions as you review the results. Become aware of your energy for excitement, happiness, anxiety and stress.

Perhaps you are frustrated and confused about the situation you're in because there is a conflict in Core Values. Maybe you're struggling with the right and wrong thing to do, maybe it's a tough decision between family or career, or just maybe you're struggling with a belief system that doesn't serve you well and is causing you extreme stress and anxiety.

Whichever it is, at least now you know the answer to the question - "Why did I just do that?"

Download a Life Map template and a list of Core Values at brunologreco.com or click life coaching resources. Bruno LoGreco is a Toronto life coach, mentor & motivational speaker. Isn't it time you started living an extraordinary life?

Self-deception: Telling yourself ‘this’ when it’s really ‘that’

2010-05-04T11:58:00.002-04:00

While working toward my Master’s degree in psychology, ‘self-deception’ was always one of my favourite topics—at least the professors always presented the topic in humorous light. Self-deception is the process of denying or rationalizing away your current life situation or circumstance. It is a process of accepting the false as the truth in an attempt to make yourself feel better about reality.

You could be telling yourself that things aren’t that bad even though you are greatly in debt? Perhaps you are telling yourself you have no problems with self-change even though you have failed at your last 15+ attempts to improve various behaviours? Are you telling yourself you could stop your gambling behaviours at any moment but you just don’t feel the need to do so now since you do not have a gambling problem? Whether you’re deceiving yourself about your true capabilities or about the amount of effort you put into daily activities, chances are you are being dishonest with yourself about something. In fact, if you look around and pay attention to others, you will see that self-deception is quite common in our society.

Self-deception is helpful when used constructively; however, self-deception is detrimental when used to blind ourselves from the truth about our undesirable circumstances. Not being honest with ourselves can impede our current situation from getting better because we tell ourselves that everything is OK, thus, making it unnecessary to take any steps to improve our situation. When done often enough it can also become a habit; whether it’s a positive or negative habit depends on what you choose to deceive yourself about.

Self-awareness! Are you aware of your current behaviour, thinking patterns, attitude, etc.? Self-awareness means you are conscious of yourself in all areas. Are you conscious of: What you want in life? What you need to improve on as a person? What your needs, beliefs, and values are? How do you see yourself as a person? What you want to change about yourself and in your life? How you respond to various situations and if your responses are congruent to your answers to the above questions? Are you conscious of how your “harmless” self-deceptions are standing in your way from becoming the person you want to be?

To make any change in life, you must first know the person that you are. You must know what you need to do to get yourself moving in the right direction and you can’t do this until you know who you are. Self-deception keeps you from knowing your true self. It also keeps you from living up to your true potential. Being aware of and admitting to your weaknesses and limitations can help you become a stronger person. It can help you focus on the positives that will take you in the direction with rewards.

Examine yourself carefully. Who are you as a person? What do you value? How would you like to live your life? What do you want in life? What would you like to achieve? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What makes you happy?

Examine your life carefully. What kind of a person are you from day to day? Are your current actions congruent with your values and beliefs? Is your current lifestyle a match to how you would like to life your life? Are you being dishonest with yourself about something just so you can feel better about it? Is it really making you feel better? More importantly, is it improving or changing your situation?

When you fail to acknowledge that something can be improved or when you cover up an existing problem, you are very unlikely to change it. What is the worst that could happen if you acknowledge the truth to yourself? Would it make you feel bad, ashamed, or guilty about something? Would it force you to accept responsibility for something you want no part of and this scares you? Whatever your circumstance, ‘little white lies’ to yourself, will not improve your situation in any way. Be aware of who your true self is and if your current lifestyle is a match to the real you.

Personal success resume: Your accomplishments, successes and achievements

2010-04-29T13:34:00.006-04:00

Do you know what your personal and professional accomplishments are? If someone asked you to list your accomplishments at this very moment, would you be able to do that with confidence and without hesitation? Go ahead and list just 10 achievements out for me, right now (though I know you have many more than the 10 you will list).

If you are anything like the average person, you had a difficult time coming up with 10 of your successes and you may have found yourself to be grasping for anything that came to mind. The reason for this is that you rarely think about your accomplishments. When you do think about them you tend to minimize the value of the success and you minimize the effort, discipline, and work it took to complete your goal and as a result you do not count your success as a success. The end result? You soon forgot about the wonderful things you have achieved and now you find your success list to be quite short.

While some of you may be aware of your professional accomplishments because you need to keep and update your work resume every now and then, your personal accomplishments, unfortunately, do not get the recognition they deserve. You, as a person, are a complex being and your professional successes are not enough to satisfy your image of yourself. To maximize your level of content, happiness, and accomplishment, you need to feel like a winner in all areas of life.

So, why not keep a personal resume of your accomplishments? There are many benefits to doing this! The most important is that focusing on your successes will bring about more successes. If you focus on your failures, it will bring you more of the same. Other advantages of success-orientation include:

1. Increases in your self-esteem and self-confidence
2. Focus on success encourages you when the going gets tough
3. Directs you in the direction you want to or need to go
4. Gives you a sense of pride in yourself
5. Increases your positive thoughts about yourself (e.g. from “I’m a loser and worthless” to “I’m accomplished and successful)
6. Having your accomplishments fresh in your mind will make it easier to talk positively about yourself
7. Focus on success reduces confusion, uncertainty, and unproductiveness
8. Focus on success gives you confidence to set better and higher goals

There are numerous benefits to focusing on your past achievements. It is up to YOU to decide what your focal point will be and to TAKE ACTION to live out your decision. That’s your responsibility! Good intentions without actions are useless.

The easiest way for you to do this is to keep a list of successes in your office and by your bed—you can’t have too many copies of your success list lying around. Having a success list in your office can serve as inspiration and motivation to face problems head on when things get hard. Not only will it boost your confidence and self-esteem levels but you never know when previous achievements might spark a solution to a new problem. Keeping your success list by your bed, makes it possible for you to read the list right before you go to bed and feel awesome about yourself as you fall asleep. This process will develop and nourish your self-esteem, your confidence in your ability to perform, and enhance positive emotions about yourself. These are just some of the key ingredients to more success.

What are you waiting for? Get out your journal and pen, and create a personal resume for yourself, right now! Don’t forget to update your personal resume as your successes pour in!

Who do you think you are? You’re not good enough for that!! The effects of negative self-talk.

2010-04-15T13:42:00.003-04:00

You can’t do that!
You’re not smart enough!
You’re just fat and you’ll never lose weight!
You’ll never be successful!
You’re inadequate and undeserving!
It would be better if you were never born!

Do these phrases sound familiar? Although you may not allow others to speak to you in this manner, most of you may find it quite appropriate to say these same things to yourself. While these phrases may be viewed as rude and offensive from a friend or an acquaintance you most likely view them as perfectly acceptable forms of criticism from yourself.

Did you know the more times you repeat any thought to yourself, the more you start to believe it, the more it becomes a part of you, and the harder it is to change the thought. Eventually these ingrained and automatic thoughts multiply and run your life. What types of thoughts are you allowing to run your life?

If you are not sure of the types of thoughts you entertain throughout the day, then use your level of satisfaction with your current life situation to help you answer this question. You can only lead a happy and satisfied life if you have positive thoughts about yourself. Every negative thought you entertain subtracts from your happiness. When you have more negative thoughts than positive thoughts, your life starts to feel chaotic until it becomes totally despondent or hopeless, at which point depression sets in and you feel a total loss of control over your life. I ask you again: what thoughts are running your life?

A while ago I learned that it is my very own thoughts that were keeping me, not only from succeeding, but also from attempting many of my dreams. The phrases I listed at the beginning of the article are the very phrases I said to myself on a regular basis. More importantly, they are the phrases I believed were true about me.

Being a psychology major with a high interest in self-development I frequently read material on personal growth. After repeatedly reading that my thoughts and beliefs determined my life, I made a conscious choice that I would change my thoughts about myself. Even though I had no external evidence in the beginning to demonstrate to me that my new thoughts were true, I made myself believe the new positive things I was thinking about myself. In addition, although initially there was no evidence that my new thoughts were changing my life, I persisted based on pure determination and made the best effort to correct myself when my thoughts slipped into my old habitual way thinking. After a few months of repeated positive affirmations and positive beliefs and feelings towards myself, the “luck” in my life started changing. Because there were no other changes in my life other than my altered beliefs about myself, it was easy for me to attribute my new opportunities to my changed thoughts. It finally dawned on me: Throughout my entire life my negative thoughts were working against me and everything I thought about myself became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Why is it that many of us speak so negatively to ourselves? Well, for the most part it just seems like it is easier to be negative and believe in the negative than the positive. If anything, being negative about our ability to succeed always sounds more factual and truthful than being positive. Telling ourselves that we can succeed and achieve all our goals sounds more of a fairy tale than reality. Why? Simply because we choose to believe that we are not good enough. As children we were repeatedly told that we were not good enough and we were repeatedly compared to someone better. As a result, over many years this constant repetition has been ingrained in us and we do not know how to think differently. Even knowing that positive thoughts could improve our lives, we chose to keep our old thoughts about ourselves. Our inadequacy becomes a fact and all our experiences are evidence of how unable we really are.

My new revelation was and continues to be a huge blessing. Instead of feeling angry for not knowing this information sooner, I think of it as a valuable and essential life lesson. I’ve experienced firsthand what my negative thoughts did to my life and how my positive thoughts changed me and my circumstances. While my thoughts are still not perfect, I am excited to learn where my life will take me as I continue to clean out the negative thoughts and beliefs. I am truly looking forward to only the best in my life because that is what I deserve.

How about you? Where have your thoughts brought you? If you are currently not where you want to be, why not engage in some “thought clean-up.” While this may initially appear time consuming, effortful, frustrating, and pointless eventually your new way of thinking will become a habit and catching your slips into habitual thinking will be a breeze. I promise!

This exercise can work even if you are living the life you’ve always dreamed you would live. By cleaning your thoughts out, you will benefit from personal growth and gain a greater appreciation for the wonderful person that you are. Don’t let habitual thinking hold you back from personal expansion. There are a ton of new things to learn and experience. Go ahead and try it!

2010-03-28T15:48:00.006-04:00

Our Fear of Judgement

I would say that one of the biggest fears for the majority of us is judgement. Whether we are aware of this or not, most of our actions are controlled and directed by our concern with “What would people think.” If you are not convinced that your behaviour is controlled by your fear of others reactions, what would your response be if I asked you to walk out your front door in your bra and underwear and stand at the edge of the road holding up a “I am HOT” sign? While this may not be a concern for a small number of you, most of you immediately thought of your neighbours’ reactions. If your immediate response was “NO WAY!,” probe a little further and ask why you answered “no.” If you are honest with yourself, you will realize that the underlying reason has to do with your fear of judgement (judgement of your physical appearance, judgement of your sanity, judgement of your behaviour, judgement of you). If your response is “I am not worried about what others would think, I wouldn’t do that because it’s improper” I bet your big concern is that others would label you as “indecent.”

As social beings, we evolved to be concerned about what others think of us. During our hunting and gathering years, ostracization from our tribe meant death. We needed to live in a group to survive. From the evolutionary perspective, fear of judgement is a healthy and adaptive mechanism. In fact, this continues to be a great mechanism as it keeps us from engaging in behaviours such as murder, theft, physical and verbal abuse, etc. It also keeps people from walking around naked! People who engage in such behaviours have a hard time remaining in social groups. Sooner or later they are kicked out due to their negative habits.

Fear of Judgement: A Restraining Belt

Our fear of judgement, however, can be unhealthy too. While walking out on to the street in your underclothing may be a tad extreme, be aware that many of your everyday behaviours are controlled by your fear of other’s reactions. For example, some of you may be held back from starting your own business. What if it failed? Beyond the worries of financial loss there’s probably a fear of “What would people think?” For some of you, others’ judgements are a stronger deterrent than the loss of money. What about when it comes to dating a certain person (what would your family and friends think?), what about the clothes you wear and the hairstyle you chose (what would people in your social group say if you wore what you really wanted to wear?).

The most important question you can ask yourself is ‘do my current choices bring me happiness and success’? If not, why do you continue to make the everyday choices that you do? If you say you act out of habit, it only means you are comfortable with the current judgements about you. What you are presently doing may also be causing talk and negative evaluation. The difference is that you may have habituated to the current response. Why not give them something great to talk about? Make choices that will bring you happiness and success. Let others talk about that.

We judge others, therefore [we think] others judge us

What we fear most from others, is that which we do to others. Why? Why do we judge others knowing how uncomfortable it feels when others judge us? Judgement is related to low self-esteem and insecurity. When we are comfortable and confident in whom we are we do not have the need to evaluate others. Instead, we focus our energy on improving ourselves. When we are unsure of ourselves, however, we tend to compare ourselves to others and at the same time negatively evaluate that which is “no good” in our eyes. We judge others to draw attention from ourselves. This gives us temporary satisfaction.

A vicious cycle: when you judge others, you believe others judge you. That’s just the way it is. The more we talk about others, the more we think others talk about us. The more we think others talk about us, the more we let others control our decisions and choices. It’s really a nasty cycle and a self-trap. This is why judging others brings us only temporary satisfaction; we can only remain happy while we are busy judging others, as soon as we believe others are judging us, our satisfaction disappears. To help alleviate our dissatisfaction, we turn our attention again to others and judge them on those traits we think others judge us.

Stop judging others and your perception of others judging you will diminish.

Freedom is close at hand

Chances are that you are not living your life to the fullest because of your fear of others feelings, judgments and thoughts about you. If you are worried about what others will say, then you will act in a way you think will minimize what they say about us. Unfortunately, you can’t stop others from talking about you. The people who want to gossip, will gossip. Those who want to “brighten up” their day by speaking negatively about you will do that no matter what. Being concerned about what others think will do you more harm than good. Others approval (which most likely isn’t coming anyways) can never replace the satisfaction you will experience when you follow your own path and make choices that are congruent with your soul.

While, it is true that people talk about others it doesn’t mean they are always focused on you. Sometimes we exaggerate the extent to which others judge us. Many times others are busy thinking about their own lives and are distracted by their own problems. During this time, it is our wacky imagination that is holding us back from reaching for our dreams. It is our fear of judgement that holds us from developing in positive directions.

To live freely you need to let go of your preoccupation with others’ feelings, thoughts, and talk about you. The problem is that others are always thinking, feeling, and talking about someone (positively or negatively). That truth is, however, that you can never please everyone. The trick is to please the person that truly matters. You. If you want to make a life change, your first concern should be your happiness and well-being. If experimenting with a business of your own would make you happy, go for it. Use your energy to focus on how to make your business succeed. Don’t waste any of that energy worrying about what others will think if the business goes awry. Freedom comes to people who choose to do what is fulfilling to them. Individuals who make decisions and choices based on what others will think are unhappy social prisoners. If you want to be free, be the person you want to be.

EXCERCISE

Day to Day Exercise

1.Make a resolution to stop judging others. Because we judge others we think others also judge us. Stop judging others and you perception of others judging you will change!

2.Think of something positive when you see others. When you see others struggling or appear unsure of themselves, instead of evaluating their uncertainty or odd behaviour, look for a positive. That person is probably doing the best he or she can given his or her circumstances.

3.Your fears of judgement tend to be stronger when you are insecure about the trait/ behaviour/ feature in question. Be aware that this is the time when your thoughts of others judging you are overactive and untrue.

4.When you are insecure look for the root cause. Where did this specific fear come from? What is your major concern about others judging you? What is the worst thing that could happen? More importantly, how does this fear benefit you?

5.When you want to do something but are held back by your fear of what others will think imagine that you are the only person that exists. Imagine that for the next month you are the only person here. There is no one to disturb you, no one to judge you, no one to think negatively about anything you do. If you could do anything you wanted without fear of repercussions, what would you want to do? How would you live during these 30 days? Would you start the business you have been dreaming of? Would you go back to school? Would you quit your job and take some time off for yourself? Perhaps you would decide to cut your hair because that would make you happy? If your dreams are non-existent or appear shallow, perhaps this is a good time to re-evaluate your aspirations.

6.Start off with “the small stuff.” Do the things that cause you mild anxiety and concern with others reactions toward you. This way you will be able to build up to bigger and more important choices. Soon, others judgements will be of no concern to you.

Incorporating these practices in your life will diminish you preoccupation with what others are thinking and saying about you. Eventually, your fear of judgement will diminish or disappear. If others judge you, it won’t matter anymore. That it true freedom!

2010-03-17T07:27:00.008-04:00

How Excited Are You?

How excited are you when you see your pet?

How excited are you when you see your favourite food?

How excited are you to see a good friend?

How excited are you when you see $20 on the ground?

How excited are you when you see yourself in the mirror?

I am willing to bet that most of you said you get quite a bit more excited about seeing $20 on the ground than seeing yourself in the mirror. Am I right? Probably. Are you forgetting that you can and will get yourself a lot further in life than the $20 ever could?

It recently dawned on me that I get vastly more excited to see my dog than I do when I look at myself in the mirror. Like most of you, I would have also answered that I would get a lot more excited about finding $20 on the ground than I would be about seeing myself in the mirror (the feeling would be genuine too!). In fact, I can’t recall very many times when I showed very much positive emotion about seeing myself. If there was any emotion it was usually to criticize some aspect of my appearance. Other than that, seeing myself in the mirror was just a routine activity I did every day just like putting on my shoes. Except that I would get really excited about wearing a beautiful pair of shoes...more excited than about seeing my own image.

Based on this realization I embarked on a journey. Anytime I am about to look at myself in the mirror I have to get myself all excited about what I am going to see. One of the rules is that I can’t look in the mirror until I work myself up about looking at myself. Another rule is that I do not get excited about seeing what I am wearing, or about my make-up, or about the exciting day I know is coming up. I have to get excited about seeing me, about looking at my face and looking at myself in the eye and appreciating who is looking back at me.

If I have problems getting myself excited about looking at me in the mirror, I think about all the positive things I have achieved. I think about my successes, my positive habits, my good nature, and anything good I have done recently. How can I look at myself and not be excited when I think about all that?

I admit this was trickier in the beginning. I have quite a few mirrors in my room which means that my thoughts about myself had to constantly be positive. At times it was easy to slip back into my old way of thinking, but persistence paid off. Today, I don’t need to consciously think to be excited about seeing myself; most of the time I am already smiling before I look in the mirror. If I am not smiling beforehand, I am definitely smiling when I look at myself.

I would like to point out that this is different from narcissism. Just as you wouldn’t call yourself greedy for being excited when finding $20 on the ground, I am not nourishing my vanity when I look at myself with exhilaration. What I am doing is building up a healthy respect and love for myself. It is easy to forget that everything we have achieved in life is a result of putting our mind and body to use. As such, I think it is appropriate to give ourselves the proper recognition.

When you can look at yourself with excitement, you have experienced self-acceptance (the good and the bad). Self-acceptance is being happy and loving with who you are right now. When you are able to acceptance yourself you are happier and overall, more productive. Accepting yourself as you are is a healthy form of self-love. It is also your ammunition against life challenges.

Look at yourself and be excited!

I have to admit this has been one of the most fun things I have done in a while. It certainly feels good every time I look at myself! Most of the times, I even throw in positive comments/ affirmations about myself. Sometimes I will say them out loud and at other times I will just think them. I do, however, always look at myself in the eye while I am speaking to myself. This is, after all what I do when I speak to others. I deserve the same courtesy!

Can you get excited about seeing yourself in the mirror today? You should try it. It’s worth the effort.

EXCERCISE

Want to look at yourself in the mirror with excitement but don’t know how? No problem!

Some people may have an easier time with this exercise than others. It all depends on where you are on your path to self-acceptance. Total self-acceptance is one of the most liberating things I have experienced and I know it will be one of the best experiences for you too. So let’s get started.

Most of the time, right before we are about to look in the mirror we think about seeing any pimples we may have, we think about the gray hair, our imperfect teeth, or the size or shape of our ears and nose. No wonder we can’t be excited about seeing ourselves. We look forward to seeing or perceiving the negative. Yes, perceiving! Most of the time it is really our perception, as opposed to actual fact, that leads us to negative judgment of ourselves.

If you have one, grab a fair sized mirror and sit on your bed (If you are not near a mirror, vividly imagine that you are looking into one). Small mirrors, where you can only see one eye at a time are not your best choice. You should use a mirror where you can see your entire face. If you do not have one, no problem, use your bedroom or bathroom mirror (this way you’ll be able to see most, if not all of you).

To get excited about yourself, think of the positives. Is there a specific facial feature that you like (e.g., your eyes, lips, nose)? Focus on it and anticipate looking at that feature. If you do not want to think about your appearance, think about all the positive things you do: whether you feed/ cook for your family, hold the doors open for strangers, are friendly and polite, have patience with telemarketers (not very many people are patient with telemarketers), help out your aging parents or in-laws, etc. There should be tons of thinks you can think of to make you proud of who you are.

Once you have thought about a few actions or physical features that you are proud of, put a smile on your face! It is all about you. Giving yourself the full recognition for who you are or what you do, look in the mirror and realize what a wonderful person you are. Smile! It’s you!

Look yourself straight in the eye. Try not to lose eye contact with yourself. Also, don’t let your eyes move down to any features that you normally criticize. Keep thinking about all those positive things about you. If you really focus on the positives, you’ll have no room for negative thoughts, comments, and judgments. If you can, throw out a positive comment about yourself. You would do it for a friend that deserved it, so why not for yourself?

If this process makes you feel nervous or awkward, I promise it gets easier with practice. Initially, I felt extremely awkward with this exercise, almost as if I was looking at a stranger. Actually, I was more comfortable looking at others with excitement than at myself. As I practiced this exercise regularly (every time I looked in the mirror), I started to gain more benefits and more joy from it. You will too. Just be persistent.

2010-03-16T10:39:00.000-04:00

A Balance of Needs: A Happy and Healthier You

We (humans) are complex beings and as such we have various needs that must to be met so that we may function optimally. These needs are:

• Physiological needs—needs related to our biological well-being (e.g., food, water, sex)
• Emotional needs—needs related to our affective well-being (e.g., love, acceptance)
• Psychological needs—needs related to our mental well-being (e.g., achievement, self-esteem, recognition)
• Social needs—needs related to our desire to be a part of a group (e.g., belonging, social involvement)
• Spiritual needs—our need for the connection with the divine, for moral direction and inspiration (e.g., prayers, meditation, a feeling of oneness with our Creator, confession

Although the method we use to fulfill each need is influenced by our culture, each person has these needs and is only able to function well once they are met. Keep in mind that our needs are also intertwined. For example, it is difficult to meet our psychological, emotional, social, and spiritual needs when we do not satisfy our physiological needs. As a result, we need to meet our physiological needs, at least minimally, before we can meet our other needs. Even people who choose to fast as a sign of their spirituality and devotion cannot fast for an indefinite amount of time because they will expire from a lack of proper nutrition.

Importance of Balancing Your Needs

It is not only important to meet our needs, but it is important to balance them. Too much of one and not enough of the others stunts our personal growth. Scientific evidence suggests that people who take the time to balance their needs function at a higher level and are happier and healthier.

Each of the 5 needs provide a different type of fulfillment. No one need, including physiological need, is more important than another. Having enough to eat and drink on its own will not make us fulfilled, happy and healthy. Additionally, neglecting our other needs will reduce our desire to continue fulfilling our physiological needs (e.g. depressed individuals do not always eat as required and tend to lose interest in sex). In order for us to be truly fulfilled, we need to have the right balance.

When our needs are in balance, we feel a sense of happiness and contentment, and as a result healthy behaviour follows. How do we know when we are not in balance? Quite simple! Have you ever noticed how grumpy or aggravated you feel after spending most of your week working and ignoring your other needs? During this time you may have lost weight due to ignoring your physiological needs, you may have felt depressed due to a lack of socialization and you may have felt tense for ignoring your regular spiritual practices. In addition, these negative feelings most likely had an impact on your behaviour. Chances are you snapped at that poor family member who dared to step in your way, you may have decided to go on a shopping binge by dipping into your savings for a new home, you may have decided to unravel by “partying it up” on Friday night only to leave you with a horrible hangover the next day, or you may have decided to violate your diet plan by eating more sweets than you should have. When our needs are out of balance, we feel unhappy, frustrated, and bitter and as a result unhealthy behaviour follows.

Our Balance Point is Unique

Balance is an interesting concept as we all have a unique balance point. Socializing with friends and co-workers each night may be in balance for some, but completely out of balance for others. Long workdays may be a nightmare for some but very fulfilling for others. Is either of these groups of individuals out of balance? Of course not! Should we all split up our time in equal intervals in order to satisfy each of the 5 needs? No! Should we follow another person’s formula to achieve their level of happiness and success? Definitely not!

Although we all share these needs, each of us varies in the strength of the required need. While some people may need a higher level of independence another might need a higher level of social interaction. In addition, we have various needs at different stages of our life. A teenager typically seeks a higher level of freedom due to his or her developmental stage compared to a thirty year old mom of two.

Do you know your unique balance point?

Knowing how to Balance Your Needs

It is empowering to know what balance works for you as this gives you control over your thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. Balance is about knowing what you need at any given moment. It is also about noticing when you need to adjust your behaviour so that you can meet your needs when they shift in a different direction.

Since we all differ with respect to what needs are important to us and what balance works best for us, it would be wrong for anyone to suggest how you need to divide your time to create a healthy balance (and it would be wrong for you to instruct others on how to balance their life...what works for you may not work for them). As a result, it is your job to figure out what best suites your lifestyle. Keep in mind that everyone is different. The balance a family member or romantic partner may need is not the balance that necessarily fits your needs. As a result, you cannot base your decisions on someone else’s. You can’t copy someone’s happiness but you can create your own. You are responsible to figure out how much time you need to dedicate to satisfying each need.

EXCERCISE

In order to learn what you need you must regularly spend time with yourself. This is the only way you can understand your various needs. The people who are the happiest tend to make time for themselves a priority. This is how they recharge themselves, develop a peace of mind, and learn what they need for continued happiness and health. In fact, any type of self-development work requires that you spend time alone with yourself. How else are you to improve yourself, unless you make YOU your focus?

Once or twice a week, take 20 minutes to yourself. Reflect on your week and how you felt about the activities that took place. Ask yourself questions about what you are currently doing that is making you happy? What are you not doing enough of? Explore your feelings. If any negative feelings come up, look for reasons. If any positive feelings emerge, look for the reasons for the positive emotions. Your feelings are your clue to what you need to do more of (or what you are doing right) and what you need to minimize.

For best results, you should write your responses down. By writing your thoughts down, you will soon notice patterns in your thoughts, feelings and behaviours (e.g. what makes you happy, what makes you unhappy, what you wish you did more of, what you want to be doing less of). Once you are aware of the patterns, you will be able to take action.

Don’t forget to enjoy this process. This is the process that will improve the quality of your life.

2010-03-13T06:13:00.001-05:00

Effort: An Important Ingredient for Success

“All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do” ~Author Unknown

If you are anything like me, you have dreamt of traveling to exotic places, you have dreamt of helping hungry children and helping the victims of natural disaster, you have dreamt about having a fulfilling job and being the community hero. If you are like me, you have most certainly dreamt of being rich! Many of us have these self-serving and noble thoughts or dreams every day. We imagine what it would feel like to have all these great things, what it would feel like if we had financial freedom and life fulfillment, and what it would feel like to be able to provide help to all those in need. We even spend some time daydreaming in great detail about how our life would be different if only we attained our desire. Great! This is the stuff goals are made of!

Once we establish our goals, we must role up our sleeves and get to work. This doesn’t mean that achieving our goals will be hard and painful, but it does mean that we must use action to achieve them. We must take steps to get closer to attaining our goals or they will stay a distant dream.

Sound scary? Discouraging? Repulsive?

Why is it that putting in effort can be the most difficult part of achieving goals? If we are working towards our life fulfillment, shouldn’t the “getting there” part be fun and exciting?

We all know that if we are to get to where we want to go, we must take the first step and then the next, and next and next until we get to the finish line. Yes, success does require effort! If we want to attain our goal we’ll have to work to achieve it. The question we need to ask is why we back away from taking the necessary steps to get to our goal? What is it about putting in effort that discourages us from seeking out our dream?

Let’s Look at You. What Keeps You from Making the Effort?

“What is not started today is never finished tomorrow” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

As the quote says, what you don’t start you will never finish. What has been keeping you from working towards your goal?

Lack of Time. Some of you must be screaming out “There is no time. There is never any time!” You may feel like you barely found a few minutes to read something inspirational and now you are being asked to give even more time! Yes, some of you do have way too much on your plate and expanding any more effort is next to impossible. If this is the case, it’s time for you to prioritize! Is everything you do in your day absolutely necessary? Doubtful. Find the activities in your life that do not add any meaning or purpose and eliminate them. Use the freed up time to work towards your goal. Make that your priority. Make a promise to yourself you will not skip these scheduled sessions. Nothing in your life should pull you apart from your work to achieve your heart’s desire.

Fear. Is your fear of failure holding you back from working towards your goal? At times the road ahead can appear long and difficult. Uncertainty can be discouraging if you let it be. Do you find that you are making excuses to keep yourself from starting the work towards your goal? Ask yourself again. Is everything you do in your day absolutely necessary? Maybe you use unnecessary activities as an excuse to keep you from working towards your goal? If this is the case, you are cheating yourself from enjoying life to its fullest. If you are afraid to work towards this goal, chances are fear is keeping you from other pleasures in life too. Don’t let irrational fear keep you from you right to happiness. Take your first step today.

Doubts. Are you questioning if the path you are dreaming about is really the path for you? Do you find you are sitting on your goal and just can’t get motivated to start working towards attaining it? It could be that you are building your goals based on others’ expectations. You can fool others when you talk about your goals and desires, but you can’t fool yourself. If you have chosen goals to please others, you have chosen to displease yourself. Pick goals that are in line with your soul’s desire and you’ll find that taking the first step will only feel natural.

Pessimism. Do things never really work out for you anyways, so why bother? If so, it appears you have a negative attitude and a gloomy outlook on life. Your attitude will determine your entire interpretation of life. People who are pessimistic tend to “play it safe” and tend to not accomplish very much. Optimists have the courage to take advantage of available opportunities. It doesn’t mean they are not aware they might fail; it means they are willing to take the needed risks and they choose to believe everything will work out for the best.

Laziness. Some of you may even admit that you just don’t feel like making that first step because it is too much work. You just feel lazy. Is it the thought of extra work that dampens your enthusiasm for success? You may find it easier to sit and dream about your goals than to take the necessary actions to bring yourself closer to what you want. Maybe you prefer to watch TV and observe others’ successes so you can dream about being as successful as the people on TV. Unfortunately, the amount of effort actors put in to make it on TV is typically hidden and their final success is glorified. In reality, most stars worked their butts off to get to where they are today. Reading a biography of anyone successful will tell you each and every one of these individuals worked hard to achieve their status. They took a step every day, regardless of whether they felt like working or not, to get them closer to where they are now.

Can you add any other justifications for not putting in the effort to pursue your goal?

Taking Responsibility for Your Actions or Lack of Actions

You’ll never get to your desired destination, wherever it is, without making the necessary effort.

You should be aware that it takes just as much effort to stay in your current place as it does to get to where you want to go. Living with your current dissatisfaction and imagining the “if only’s” takes as much work as it does to live out your dreams. The major difference is that living out your dreams provides you with satisfaction and fulfillment. The life satisfaction and fulfillment you attain will make your effort appear “effortless.” You do, however, need to make an effort to take the first step.

Don’t forget you are responsible for the results in your life. The amount of effort you have been putting in is the reason you are where you are today. Luck or a lack of luck had nothing to do with it. Give yourself credit for the good and the bad and take responsibility for your life situation. Once you can do this, only then will you be able to change your situation.

EXCERCISE

1. Take a few minutes to yourself. Find a place where there are no distractions.

2. Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths until you feel relaxed.

3. Focus your mind on a goal you haven’t been making any the effort to achieve. Envision your goal in as much detail as possible. What would it feel like if you attained it right now?

4. Now focus your mind on executing the steps to bring you closer to your goals. Picture yourself taking the first step that will get you closer to your goal and then the next one, and so on all the way until you have accomplished exactly what you desire. It’s OK if you have to make the steps up. The point it to get yourself mentally closer to achieving the goal. How does this make you feel?

5. Does imagining taking the steps make you feel nervous, panicky, or anything negative? Why is that? Find the reason you are not making an effort to bring yourself closer to achieving your goals. It may be one of the reasons I listed above or it may be a different one. This step may require reflection and the answer may not come right away. It is important however, that you figure out what is keeping you from working towards your goal. Without this answer, you will continue sitting on your dream without making effort to move ahead. This stagnancy may prevent you from ever working towards this goal, any other goal, and it may keep you from the happiness you were meant to enjoy.

6. Write down the ideas you come up with. Writing down your ideas will allow you to clarify your thoughts and feelings and gain valuable insight to yourself (self-knowledge).

Self-forgiveness: A Road to Self-love

2010-02-24T16:56:00.002-05:00

By: Ivana Pejakovic, B.Sc., MA

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness” ~Robert Muller

It appears that the main purpose of life is to learn and grow, not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Most people will agree that the lessons best learned are those that involved a major mistake or failure (the harder the failure, the better the lesson). When one ventures out into the unknown it is normal to make mistakes or fail. A lack of failure would indicate a lack of effort to achieve anything.

An important part of making mistakes is self-forgiveness. As you attempt to achieve your goals, many times you will fail or not achieve the outcome you were hoping for. The key point is to remember that you did the best you could when considering the circumstances at the time. Everything always seems easier in hindsight; however, at the time the decision needed to be made you acted to the best of your knowledge and ability. You need to learn to forgive yourself even when the mistake is significant. Not everything will turn out as you plan and that’s OK. Sometimes it’s OK to make the same mistake twice or three times. Not all mistakes or failures are equal and therefore repetition may be required to learn and grow. Do not ruminate on your failure; instead keep focusing on your goal and your new solution. Learn from your mistakes and move on. In order to reach success you must accept yourself as you are, you must stop the self-directed anger due to previous mistakes and you must stop rejecting yourself. Without eliminating these three components, it is impossible to love yourself and grow as a person. To forgive yourself means that you completely let go of what happened in the past and that you are able to separate the failure from you as a person. The failure is not you; the failure is only an outcome of your attempt to achieve something great.

When you don’t forgive yourself...

The refusal to forgive yourself is equivalent to keeping yourself in a jail of guilt and judgment. You were not born with a manual on how to live life; therefore, you will need to figure some things out as you go along. This means that not everything will go according to your plan or desire. When you do not or cannot forgive yourself for unplanned outcomes, you are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviours (e.g., smoking, drinking, destructive sexual behaviour, lack of desire to plan for the future or set goals) because you do not see yourself as worthy of something better. When you engage in self-destructive behaviours you are likely to live with self-pity, pessimism, and negativity. All three of these inhibit emotional, spiritual and intellectual growth. When you do not forgive yourself, you are setting yourself up to live with fear; fearing of making new mistakes, fearing that others will know your old mistakes and as a result reject you. These types of thoughts can lead to shame, embarrassment and strong desire to hide away from the world which further leads to a lack of growth and expansion. When you don’t forgive yourself you are lowering your self-esteem and your self-worth in your own eyes; you are robbing yourself of the ability to live a wonderful, fulfilling, and happy life.

How do you know if there are any outstanding self-forgiveness issues?

Usually there are many signs that point to a lack of self-forgiveness. The main symptoms of a lack of self-forgiveness are depression, self-anger, and hostility towards others. Because a lack of self-forgiveness often leads to self-name calling and belittling, you are likely to experience depression. Also, a lack of self-forgiveness means that you are less likely to stand up for yourself when needed, and you are less likely to see yourself as a deserving individual. You are less likely to set goals for a fear of failure and as a result your feeling of depression can alternate with feelings of self-anger. When comparing your own lack of progress to others’ successes, you are likely to experience irritation towards yourself for not progressing through life as you planned and for not participating in activities that would contribute to your enjoyment of life, as well as personal growth. In addition, when you cannot forgive yourself chances are that you have lacking relationships with others. Either you have problems believing others’ acceptance of you which causes you to push away all those who are willing to be kind or you just hide in your house and do not give yourself the opportunity to meet and interact with new people. Many times, you will treat others as harshly as you treat yourself. The relationship you have with others is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. If you judge yourself, you will find you judge your children, your spouse, you parents, friends, and coworkers.

The inability to forgive yourself is a roadblock to self-love and a fulfilling life. It serves no purpose but to detain you from a happy life. Do not confuse a lack of self-forgiveness with acknowledging your mistakes. Acknowledging your mistakes means that you are taking responsibility for what you have done or not done without negatively evaluating yourself and then moving on. A lack of self-forgiveness indicates that you are unable to move on. You are stuck in the past and are unable to go forward, enjoy life and grow in your life journey.

Ask yourself: Is what you did or did not do in your past worth punishing yourself for the rest of your life? What will you gain by continuing to dwell on what happened? If you are able to justify your lack of self-forgiveness and plan to live with your guilt, you might as well lock yourself up in a jail cell and throw away the key!

For more information on self-forgiveness contact Life Coach in Toronto, Ivana Pejakovic.

EXCERCISE

Think of something that you have been having a hard time forgiving yourself for. It can be your strong negative judgment of your physical body, or if you think your level of intelligence is not what it should be, or if you are angry at yourself for having unproductive days, it could be that you are angry at yourself because of your bad habits, or perhaps you’re upset with yourself for neglecting your health and now have to suffer the consequences. Pick whatever is most important to you at the moment.

1.What is this event? Recall the incident and write it down in your journal in detail. Explain what happened from beginning to end and how you felt throughout the experience.

2.How does this event make you feel today? Does thinking about it sap your energy? Does thinking about this event take up valuable time? Could you be doing something more valuable with your time instead of ruminating on this incident?

3.How does this incident affect your relationships and interactions with others and how does it affect the overall quality of your life?

4.Do you deserve not to forgive yourself for what happened? Why or why not? If you have a hard time believing that you deserve forgiveness, how reasonable does your argument sound? Would a close friend or relative see your point of view and support your decision not to forgive yourself? Why or why not?

5.If it was a family member or friend, instead of you, who was unable to put this incident behind him or her, what advice would you give this person to help him or her move on? Can you follow this advice yourself? If no, why not?

It is important to remember that this incident happened and that it cannot be undone. All you can do is accept it. If it was someone else that did what you did, would you advise the person to feel life-long guilt? Would you tell the person it is appropriate to continue punishing him or herself by feeling continual depression, anger, and dissatisfaction? Do you realize that letting go is in your control?

6.How would you feel if this incident never happened? If you could live your life today without having to worry about what happened in the past? Why can you not live your life as if it never happened? Does your argument sound reasonable?

7.Who is responsible for your feelings about the incident?

8.Who is responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?

9.What can you do to start to self-forgiveness process?

10.What would it take for you to forgive yourself? How can you put this incident behind you?

11.What can you do today to start the process of self-forgiveness? Why not start that now and live your life guilt-free?

Who Will You Honour This Valentine’s Day?

2010-02-14T20:15:00.000-05:00

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” Author Unknown

This Valentine’s Day who will you think of? Who will you buy for? Who will you honour? I bet most of you will give a great deal of thought to that special someone, your children, your parents, and friends, but very little thought to yourself. Most likely, you have been taught to be selfless on this day and to show how much you appreciate the people you love. You may have acquired the belief that this is day is to be dedicate to others, not yourself.

Have you ever taken a few minutes for yourself on Valentine’s Day (or on any day) to appreciate, care, and love yourself? Have you ever bought yourself a gift or a card on this day (or any other day) to show admiration for yourself? A card or a gift that you could put on your desk to serve as a reminder that YOU are your #1 fan. Have you ever spent some time alone to tell or show yourself how much you care about you?

What would be the purpose of giving a few minutes of appreciation to yourself, anyways? What is the point of accepting and showing love for yourself? As the quote at the beginning of the article states, you must love yourself before you can love another and give them what they truly deserve from you. Take some time to compare your relationship with yourself to your relationship with others. You will notice that the relationship you have with others reflects the relationship you have with yourself. If you are too busy for yourself, chances are you often find yourself too busy for those you love. If you judge yourself, you will easily judge others. Once you fully love and accept yourself, however, you develop a compassion for others and a less critical attitude towards those you interact with. You start to love others as you do yourself.

If you have an unhappy and unhealthy relationship with yourself, you’ll have an increased desire to be in any relationship in order to fulfill your needs (emotional, psychological, financial, etc.). As a result, you are more likely to enter a relationship that is harmful to you. When you give yourself the love you deserve, however, being with yourself is enough and you are comfortable waiting for the right person to come along, instead of entering a relationship with the any person that comes along.

Until you truly love yourself it is impossible to accept love from others. When you cannot accept your imperfections then you cannot believe that others are willing to accept them. If you can accept yourself, then you will be able to receive praise, admiration, and love from others. In loving yourself, you are open to receive other’s positivity towards you.

This Valentine’s Day if you want to show someone how much you love them, the best way to do that is by first developing a love for yourself. A card for that special someone is nice, but is soon thrown out. Chocolate is delicious, but it is gone within a few days. Material gifts are generous but tend to be set aside. What you will give to others through self-love is magnetizing, fulfilling, powerful, and everlasting. The beautiful part is that your loved ones will not have to wait till next year’s Valentine’s Day to be treated well by you. You will treat them as they deserve to be treated everyday when you give yourself the love you are worthy of. Self-love will completely change all areas of your life. It will be reflected in your positive relationships with others, in your greater happiness, successes, peacefulness, and blessings. It appears there is a great purpose to loving and accepting yourself.

This Valentine’s Day, and every day, spend a few minutes with yourself. Appreciate yourself for who you are. Love yourself as you are and celebrate for there is no one else like you. In fully loving yourself you will radiate your love to anyone you come in contact with. What better gift can you give to your loved ones and to the world?

This Valentine’s Day, how will you show your love for yourself?

EXCERCISE

This Valentine’s Day, and every day, spend some time with yourself to show your appreciation for all that you are. Below is a small list of practices that will help you get started. Incorporating these practices into your daily life will increase your self-love. If you can think of anything else that you might want to do for yourself than do what feels right for you. Your body is always talking to you, so listen to it.

Twelve self-love practices:

1. Stop sacrificing yourself to give more to others.

2. Make yourself a priority.

3. Listen to and respect your feelings.

4. Appreciate your strength, skills, and successes as well as your weaknesses, failures, and any negative points.

5. Speak to yourself with love. Be kind to yourself.

6. Stand up for yourself. You do not have to do anything you do not want to.

7. Do something creative (e.g. writing, singing, play a musical instrument). This will help you get in touch with your inner self.

8. Forgive yourself for all your perceived mistakes. This is life and “mistakes” will happen. How else will you learn, grow, and improve yourself.

9. Nourish and care for your body. Eat healthy and make an effort to work out regularly.

10. Do nothing. Spend some time relaxing, meditating, and just being.

11. Set some inspiring goals, something that will get you motivated and help you grow.

12. Stand in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye and say “I love you”

It's 2010! What year are YOU living in?

2010-02-10T19:18:00.000-05:00

So what did you have to eat for dinner last night?

Come up with the answer yet?

How about now??

Still thinking???

Hmm.... for some of you, that took a while, didn’t it?

How long did it take you to recall the answer to my question? If it took longer than it should have, then you most likely did not attend your own dinner last night. What do I mean? How could you not attend your dinner, but still manage to eat? Well, yes, you were physically there, but were you there mentally? Were you planning what needed to be done after dinner, what you will be doing tomorrow, or were you thinking about what happened earlier in the day or yesterday? Either way, you were not present at dinner time! You gave very little attention to what you were eating. You were not in the moment. If you are not living in the present moment, then how will you later remember what happened during that moment? You were never there to register the moment, to encode the experience in your mind!

What about your day-to-day living? Are you living in the present moment or are you too busy thinking about how you will be in the future? Are you imagining how “super fit” you will be in two to three years because you hate the way you look now? Maybe you spend most of your time thinking about the traveling you will do in 5 years because you are angry with your boring life today? Maybe you use your time to think about how happy you will be in 8 years when you finally become a big shot at your company?

Am I wrong? Perhaps you don’t spend much of your time thinking about the future. Maybe you are the type of person who is stuck in 1983 or some other distant yet past year. Are you still living with regret or guilt or shame for what happened or something you did in the past? Are you still wishing you continued your education, or maybe you think you never should have gotten married, or maybe you regret not listening to your intuition and are angry with yourself for making the wrong decision when you were younger? Are you still beating yourself up over it? Perhaps you haven’t yet realized that the years have moved on but you have remained stuck in the past.

Is it not time for you to join the rest of us in the year 2010? Although, you may have done something in the past that you perceive to be unforgivable or inexplicable, are you forgetting that it has happened in the past? You are now giving yourself grief for something that cannot be changed. For some reason, making mistakes and learning from them is a part of living. Why is life like this? Who knows?? But it appears that life is all about making mistakes, learning, and growing.

If you are thinking, well that doesn’t describe me at all; I am living in the future and always thinking about all the wonderful things to come. Good for you, you need to set goals and you need to keep your eye on the target (how else would you get there?), however, it is also a mistake when you start to forget to live in the present moment; when you become oblivious to what the day has to offer you now. How can you reach the future you desire if you don’t live in the present moment and act on the opportunities you are presented with now? How will you do what needs to be done now so that you can get to where you want to later? Spending most of your present moment day-dreaming about the place you want to be in or about the type of person you want to become will do nothing but disappoint you when you realize you have not progressed over the years to where you want to be. It is taking action NOW, in the present moment, which will get you to the future goal! You can’t get to where you want to go if you don’t take the first step in the present moment. What action have you taken?

Living in the present moment means to be aware of what is occurring now. The secret however, is to use what happens now to get to where you want to go. What happens to you now is not always desirable, but you need to be thankful for it because it is your tool or stepping stone to where you are going. The other part of the secret is to enjoy the present moment. Embrace yourself and your life fully right now. Stop thinking about what you did in the past. You can’t go back in time and change things, but you can act now to set things right if they need to be repaired. Stop day dreaming about the person you will be in the future. While you need to keep your eye on the target, you really need to take your first step today, now, to get to where you want to be.
Welcome to 2010!

If at first you don't succeed...

2010-02-09T18:16:00.000-05:00

There is a reason the self-help industry is booming with success. It thrives due to our lack of success! We are thirsty for self-change and are constantly on the lookout for a new solution to improve our image, appearance, worth, and overall station in life. Our problem is that most of our attempts to change ourselves end up failing (whether we use the latest program available or try to change ourselves on our own). For example, how many times have you tried to lose those last 10lbs. and were able to keep them off? How many times have you tried to quit smoking and haven’t been able to yet? Have you kept your usual New Year’s resolution to go to the gym three times per week?

Our bigger problem is, once we fail, we do not take time to properly evaluate the reason for our lack of success. Typically, we attribute our failure to external factors, such as, the ineffectiveness of the self-change program we used, social distractions, work, the weather, the kids, the husband or wife, etc. Once we believe we have pinpointed the reason we failed, we quickly move on to purchase or create a new self-change program, and start all over again. If this program does not succeed, no problem, we come across the next available program and make a resolution to try again, and again, and again.

The lack of proper evaluation of what caused our failure sets us up for another disappointment as we fail to identify the root cause of the repeated negative outcomes. As a result, we set ourselves up for failure each time we make a new resolution to change.

Since we are all, however, responsible for the outcomes we experience, the reason we fail is usually internal; something we personally do to interfere with our ability to succeed. What are the things we do that set us up for failure? Based on my many personal failures to change myself and observations of those around me, I’ve come up with six reasons I believe we tend to be unsuccessful in achieving many of our self-change goals.

1.UNCLEAR or VAGUE GOALS. In order to get to where we want, we must clearly define our destination. We must invest time to understand where we want to go and what we want to do. If we don’t know where we are going, any path will take us there.

2.IMPATIENCE. We want change immediately! Once we have a rough idea of what we want to change or achieve, we demand for change to occur now. Self-change, however, tends not work like that. Self-change, meet your long lost brother Mr. Snail. We must continually work in order to change our beliefs, our negative habits, and our attitudes. This takes time, it does not occur over night. It requires patience, self-confidence, and self-acceptance. If we do not accept ourselves as we are (weaknesses and all) we will have a tough time reaching our goal without getting discouraged and we’ll just give up before we even see any progress.

3.FALSE PERCEPTION of the effort required to succeed. At the time of our resolution to change we are so energized and hyped up over our new commitment that we mistakenly assume the change will be easy. We do not fully understand or consider the day-to-day effort that will be required to achieve our goal (in addition to those other day-to-day things we have to do). Self-change (identifying false beliefs or negative behaviour, forming new beliefs or positive behaviour, and implementing the newly formed ideas into our daily living) does not happen effortlessly; it requires serious work, commitment, and persistence. The reward, however, when a goal is based on our internal values is invaluable.

4.Unrealistic QUANTITY-to-TIME ratio. It is simple and desirable to assume that the big change we want to see will come in little or no time. Upon realizing that it will take a little longer to achieve the desired goal, we tend to get discouraged and quit. The time it will take to see change is relative to the size of the goal we have set for ourselves. For example, losing 10lbs will take a shorter amount of time than losing 50lbs. Becoming the CEO of the #1 company in the world will take a little longer than becoming the mailroom manager. While both are worthy goals, we must keep in mind that not all goals can be achieved in the same or a short amount of time.

5.BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Once we make the resolution to change, we have strong confidence in our ability to succeed. It doesn’t take long however, for this initial faith in ourselves to wane. Once we start working toward our goal, we start getting discouraged by the slow progress and the amount of work required to succeed. In addition, we start questioning our ability to succeed. Guess what? If we don’t think we can succeed, then we will NOT succeed. We’ll give up before we see any results only to confirm our thoughts about our inability to achieve our goal (self-fulfilling prophecy). When we fail, we’ll say to ourselves “See, I knew I would not be successful.”

6.MISPERCEIVED BENEFITS. Why do we want to change ourselves? Do, we seek self-change in order to attract the right partner? Do we try to pursue a more prestigious career because we will obtain the validation we seek from our friends and family? These types of self-change are propelled by the wrong reasons. We want to attain something that is outside of our control. How can we be sure that self-change will attract the RIGHT partner? How do we know that our family and friends will gives us the validation we seek based on our career choices? The disappointment will soon set in when we realize the response we were hoping for does not materialize. If we decide to change ourselves, than it only makes sense to use an internal guideline of what we want to become. Changing ourselves for another’s benefit is a recipe for unhappiness and overall disaster.

The six factors listed above will greatly impact the probability of a successful self-change. The most important thing to understand is that these causes are internal to us and therefore, controllable. It is our lack of goal clarity, our impatience, our false perceptions, our lack of faith in ourselves, our unrealistic expectations, and our misperceived benefits that cause the negative results. No problem! With a little extra work these can be changed.

Keep in mind that we are accountable for our own behaviour. This includes successful self-change and a lack of self-change. No one or no thing can stop us from being the person we truly want to be, other than ourselves. To succeed at any self-change attempt, we need to come up with a clear picture of what we want to achieve. We need to be prepared to put in the required amount of effort for as long as it is necessary, that is, until we achieve our goal. Patience, persistence, self-acceptance, and determination are important. If we are to achieve our goal and maintain the result, we need to keep working at it.

So, before you run out to purchase that fantastic new self-change program, think about why your last attempts at self-change were unsuccessful. If the problem came from the inside, than how can you expect a solution from the outside to be effective? Would you use a band-aid on your car’s hood when the engine breaks down? Of course not, since the problem is deeper and more complex than that. If the band-aid solution will not work for the car, it will most definitely not work for you.

EXCERCISE

Get a pen and paper to record your answers.

Past Failures:

1.Pick 3 different types of self-change you attempted in the last year in which you were not successful.

2.For each type of self-change list as many reasons for your failure that you can think of.

3.Review your list. Are the majority of the reason’s you listed external to you (e.g. social distractions, kids, work, etc.). Remember that you are accountable for all your outcomes!

4.Go through the list again and think about what you personally did or did not do that caused the failure.

5.Consider the things you did or did not do that caused you to fail (unrealistic expectations, misperceived benefits, etc. ). If you were to eliminate these internal factors, would you have been likely to succeed? What would have been different?

Past Success:

1.Pick 3 different types of self-change you attempted in the last year in which you were successful.

2.For each type of self-change list as many reasons for your success that you can think of.

3.Review your list. Are the majority of the reason’s you listed external to you (e.g. social distractions, kids, work, etc.). Remember that you are accountable for all your outcomes!

4.Go through the list again and think about what you personally did or did not do that caused the success. Give proper credit to where it belongs!

5.Consider the things you did or did not do that caused you to succeed. If you were to eliminate these internal factors, would you have still been likely to succeed?

Future Attempts:

1.What about your next self-change attempt? How will you prepare yourself so that you do not fail?

2.The next time you make a resolution to change something about yourself, review the list above. Look at what contributed to your successes and what contributed to your failures.

3.Make a plan for yourself. Go through each of the 6 factors listed in the article and make note of your thoughts. Based on what you have learned from my article, are you setting yourself up for another failure?

4.What can you do to ensure future success?

What is your worth so I will know mine?

2010-02-06T05:39:00.000-05:00

Please use a scale from 1 (Not at all) to 10 (Totally/Completely) to answer the following questions.

1. How attractive are you?
2. How successful are you?
3. How athletic are you?
4. How intelligent are you?
5. How organized are you?
6. How wealthy are you?
7. How important are you?

In order to answer the above questions, you had to have a reference point in mind. Chances are that you, consciously or unconsciously, used an external reference point (another person or group of people) when rating yourself on each of the items listed above as opposed to an internal reference point (a personal goal created by you to enhance your level of happiness and the quality of your life).

Many people think their true worth or value is relative to where the people around them stand. Based on what we observe in others, we use that as a relative point for self-comparison. In addition to this negative habit of comparing ourselves to others, we also have the tendency to compare ourselves to those with a better ability or behaviour in question than us (as opposed to comparing our self to someone with a weaker ability than us). Next, we have an inclination to downplay the importance of our natural skills and abilities by saying to ourself “Sure I can do this well, but that’s not a real skill! It’s so easy, everyone can do it.” WRONG.

All those activities we perform easily and well are a part of our natural abilities and a part of who we are. Since we are not all the same (we are created equal but not identical) we cannot all have the same level of skills and strengths. These types of comparisons ultimately lead to lower self-esteem, self-confidence, and a decrease in self-respect. Based on our social values, it is impossible to value ourself if we perceive that we are weaker than others. We were taught not to value weakness.

For some reason we fail to realize that everyone has different life experiences, different talents/ gifts, different goals, different priorities, and different plans. As a result, it is impossible to compare our self to others based on a single trait. In order to compare oneself to another, we would need to have the exact same lifestyle as our reference point. Unless this is so, it is unrealistic and useless to evaluate our worth based on our perceived value of another.

More importantly, we need to realize we are all unique individuals with unique talents and abilities. No, we are not great at everything, but the strengths we have are important and define who we are. These strengths should be nurtured and appreciated but not underestimated in any way, especially their true value.

Instead of using your energy to compare yourself to others, use that energy to foster, nurture, and appreciate your strengths. The aim is to live life FREELY and HAPPILY, not to waste time comparing yourself to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we are not free and tend to be unhappy. We are constantly on the lookout for who is better than us (and we’ll usually find someone who is better than us at one thing or another). That’s difficult and unsatisfying work.

Find out what you are good at and appreciate it. Don’t compare your skill to another’s. Instead, figure out how you want to utilize the strengths you have and put your energy into that process. Doing this on a regular basis is guaranteed to increase your perceived self-worth. Your increased self-worth will lead to a higher self-esteem. Your higher self-esteem will lead to increased self-confidence. Your increased self-confidence will lead to better performance. Your better performance will continue to raise your self-esteem which will raise your self-confidence, etc. What a cycle!

Remember, your personal importance and abilities cannot be valued based on someone else’s standing. You are who you are and incomparable to anyone. You are you and there is no one else like you!

EXCERCISE

Reflect:

To maximize the effect of this exercise, write your thoughts and feelings down so that you may later reflect on your views.

What trait or skill do you possess that you tend to frequently compare to another’s in order to measure its actual worth? Who do you compare yourself to (what is your reference point)? What is the purpose of this comparison? Why are you comparing yourself to this person (or group of people)? Do you have enough similarities with this person (or group) to warrant a valid comparison (e.g. do you have the same goals, the same experiences, the same vision, etc.)

How does the constant comparison affect your emotions and your perceived self-worth? Do you find any value in social comparison? If so, what is this value? Keeping in mind what was discussed in the article, will ongoing social comparison bring you the happiness you wish to attain? What do you need to change (thoughts, actions, and belief systems) to appreciate yourself as you deserve to be and to bring yourself closer to happiness?

Take action:

1. Choose the trait or skill you reflected on above to work with for the following exercise.

2. Take a week to just appreciate this trait or skill; appreciate what you have! Every morning when you wake up and every night before bed bring this strength to your awareness. Believe in it. Internalize it. Be thankful for it. Do not compare your trait or skill to someone else’s. Remember, that person’s life is not your life.

3. During this time, also think about what you can do to foster and nurture this trait or skill.

4. Think of situations in which you would be able to use your skill. Purposely seek out ways and situations in order to utilize this ability. Make sure you appreciate and enjoy the process of using your skill. Be aware that no one can do what you can (despite any mistakes you make).

5. If you find you are starting to doubt your ability, the most likely culprit is social comparison. If you say to yourself “I wasn’t cut out for this,” than you are saying there is someone else who can do this better. Stop your thoughts and tell yourself to focus on the value of what you can do. Send your energy in a positive direction.

6. At the end of each day, take five minutes to reflect on your day and your effort to use your skill. How does using it make you feel? Does it bring out a healthy feeling of pride and satisfaction? Write your thoughts down.

7. Once you get a true appreciation for this skill, integrate another one into your life by using the steps outlined above.

8. Remember that no change comes easily. Be patient with yourself and persistent and you will succeed.

Knowing Who You Are

2010-02-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

All my life I knew exactly who I was. I was an ambitious person. I was a determined, motivated, and dedicated student who was working towards my PhD in psychology, nothing else would do! I was a good friend to a few close people. I was a good social partner. I was a girlfriend (and possibly a future wife) after I found the right guy. I was a daughter and a sister. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go. I just wanted to get there. That is who I was!

Then one day, life started throwing me road blocks, one at a time. I completed my Master’s Degree in psychology, but things didn’t work out with my advising professor. In fact, they were the two longest years of my life. After obtaining my degree, I decided it was better for me to get out of that environment and just find a job and start building my career. At the time, the decision to leave school earlier than I originally planned was one of the greatest disappointments in my life. It completely disoriented me and I felt like a failure. I continued on, however, and looked for work. I found a position that was less than ideal, but at least I was working. I was pushing myself to expand my skills and took a few courses at night. The road ahead was starting to get a little fuzzy, but that wasn’t a big deal. I still knew who I was and I knew I wanted to get there.

In summer of 2008, life threw me an unstoppable and an unpredictable curveball. I got sick and was let go from work (legally), my courses stopped, my social outings stopped, my plans for the future stopped, I forgot I was a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a friend. Nothing mattered. My main focus was my health. I was now ambitious to get better! And I did, a year and a half later with a new dietary restriction (no gluten and no dairy) I succeeded in recovering. I was so proud of myself, as were all those who cared about me. Life was (and still is) slower, I still don’t do much of the things I once did, but I am on my way to a complete healing.

I was now faced, however, with a new predicament: I no longer knew who I was. I was no longer a student working towards my PhD, I wasn’t a social partner as I didn’t see my friends very often, my plans about the future were completely fuzzy, my relationship with my sister was slightly strained. I wasn’t eating the food I was familiar with. My relationship with my boyfriend was strained as we had by that time transitioned into a comfortable friendship. My health no longer had to be my main focus and my boyfriend and I eventually decided to remain just friends. Who was I now? What did I need to focus on now? All those things that previously defined me had disappeared or changed in some way. So now what?

My social roles were limited and my goals were, to put it mildly, unclear. I still, however, wanted to get there! During this time, with the help of a life coach I realized that ever since I graduated (earlier than planned) I’ve been drifting around. I didn’t have a plan and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I assume it’s the reason I got sick in the first place. Every day I felt stress and pressure to get somewhere though I didn’t really know where. I just wanted to get there.

I realized I needed to take time to learn who I was since I wasn’t sure I ever really knew myself. I was always busy enough not to have to ask myself this question. My self-identity was defined by my social and career goals. Not having these in place had made me realize I didn’t know the real me at all. So, I set myself on a new journey, a journey to self-discovery. I discovered that who I was, was not defined by any particular goal, role, or material thing. I was and always will be just me. Whether I succeed or fail, I am still me, whether I have 100 friends or 1 friend, I am still me. Whether I am single or in a relationship, I am just me. What an amazing and liberating revelation! I now have a solid base when facing any challenge in life. I have me and that is one thing that will never go away. It does not matter how I evolve throughout my life, I will still be me.

From the moment of my realization, I experienced an increase in my self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. I experienced complete self-acceptance. I now know where I want to go and I will get there. What an awesome feeling!

What about you? How would you define yourself? How well do you know yourself? Who are you, really?

EXCERCISE
Note: For best results, please answer the questions in sequence. Do not read ahead until you have answered the question before.

1. Get a piece of paper and a pen. If someone were to ask you to tell him or her about yourself, what would you say? Who are you? Write your answer down in detail.

2. Read over your answer. What did you come up with? Did you describe yourself based on your goals and social roles?

3. Now pretend that your social roles have suddenly disappeared. Scratch out all descriptions of yourself that are based on a social role.

4. With your social roles being out of the way, would you still have the same goals? If not, scratch those out too.

5. What are you left with? Who are you now? Congratulations to you if your list is still complete!!! You have taken time to study yourself and learn about who you are. You’ll face life challenges with greater ability and confidence.

6. If your list is empty or limited take as much time as you need to get to know yourself. This will be a wonderful and empowering journey of self-discovery. You’ll be grateful for this solid base in your everyday life, but most certainly when life throws you a curveball.

Taking Responsibility for Your Action

2010-01-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

I am sure we can all recall a time when we were asked to act in opposition to what our intuition (that little voice in our head) was urging us to do. Many of us can also remember the result based on our decision to ignore our intuition and do what we were instructed to do. What was the outcome like for you? If it was anything like any of my previous outcomes, the result was frustrating, belittling, and disdainful. Acting against my instinct often led to aggrevation, anger, and negative consequences.

I was currently faced with such a dilemma. My boss expected me to work longer days than I am physically capable of doing. Just recently coming off medical leave, I have not yet regained enough strength to do more than an 8-9 hour workday. In addition, I have signed myself up for other committments, including owning a dog that needs to be walked daily. Being well aware of the consequences when I push myself too hard, I've decided to listen to my body and put Ivana first.

I weighed out my options as I carefully compared the positives and negatives of doing what was expected of me to doing what felt right for me. Although my boss intimidated me and although I felt I needed to do what he asked of me (because that's how I was raised), I realized that unless I put myself first, nothing else would work. How could it all work out if I ended up in bed for a few days? I wouldn't be able to go to work for the next 2-3 days only because I didn't say no to the expectation of working an extra 2-3 hours per day. Not to mention the physical discomfort I would experience.

At the very moment I decided to put myself first, it occured to me that I am always responsible for all outcomes in my life, whether I do as I am told or I follow my intuition. At this stage in my life, I know that my full recovery is more important to me than anything else. It would be useless to blame my boss afterwards if I chose to overwork my body and fall ill. In fact, I doubt I would call my boss and blame him outright for the downturn in my recovery. If I did, I am sure he would tell me I was irresponsible in taking care of myself and should have respected my limits! I would be angry at him but mostly at myself for not listening to my body. The boss' response, however, would have been 100% true; I would be fully responsible for the outcome. Taking all this into consideration, I chose to behave responsibly and do what is right for me. As bonus, I gained a deeper respect for myself.

We've all been given intution, the force that guides us to success and happiness. How many times have you chosen to disregard what it was saying to you? How happy were you when you put your intuition on mute? Is it not time that you too listened to what it has to say? If you are the one who is responsible for all outcomes in your life, does it not make sense then to choose for yourself what you will be responsible for?

EXCERCISE

Past Decisions

1. Get a piece of paper and pen. Write about a time in your life in which you disregarded your intuition. If you have a recent experience, write about that one. The situation can be from work, home, or from a social setting. What is it that you wanted to do and what is it that you were expected to do? What did you choose to do? Why did you choose this? What options did you consider before making a decision? What was the outcome like? How did you feel?

2. Now think of what could/ would have happened had you followed your intuition. List all the positive and negative outcomes. What would have been the most likely outcome? Would this result be favourable to the actual result you experienced? How would you have felt had you listened to your intuition?

3. Can you think of a few more situations where you had to choose between your intuition and another's expectation? What patterns in your behaviour do you see? What patterns in the outcomes do you see? What can you do to change the negative patterns and foster the positive ones?

Present/ Future Decisions

1. What about current or future circumstances? How will you handle the next situation you are handed? Every time you are put in a similar position, step back and analyze the situation from all angles. Make a list of positive and negative outcomes that could happen if you followed your intuition and what could happen if you followed another's expectation. Be aware of your previous patterns listed in the section above.

2. Which of the paths appear to be better for you? Choose the one you think would benefit you the most. The choice may not seem easy, but be aware that you will act in your best interest.

3. If it seems like you have limited choices at the moment, what can you do to prevent future recurrences?